A Special Gift...

Have you ever gotten a special gift that you simply cherished, with all your heart?... I'm sure many of us have various items that we consider special, and near and dear to our heart, for a variety of reasons.

The most recent cherished item that I received was a very special blanket that my mother gave me.

It's called a "Prayer Blanket"...

I remember first learning about such a thing from a fellow blogger friend over at hoping to be more than a dog mom, as she had received a similar gift which she mentioned in this post, and I thought to myself what an amazing idea!... And then I secretly wanted one.

You see, a "Prayer Blanket" is essentially a blanket that is prayer over, blessed, and anointed for a specific reason... In my case, my blanket was double-blessed.

My mother had gotten it at her church, where some women from the church had either hand crocheted or knit multiple blanks and then prayed over the blankets for healing... The blankets were then offered to any members of the congregation, either for themselves or to give to others.

So, my mom had gotten a blanket, and then her and my dad said additional prayers over the blanket for healing specifically in the area of infertility... and gave it to me.

The beauty in it all is that I hadn't mentioned anything about the blanket I had seen in my friend's post, so my mom had no specific idea that my little heart had secretly desired one - - So when she told me that she had a gift for me, and then later gave it to me, I was more than excited.  I literally even shouted, "I always wanted one of these!!"

Needless to say, this blanket has become very special to me, for various reasons... and I've been using it everyday when relaxing at home on the couch, and have been sleeping with it every night - - Thank you very much mom, means the world! 💜💜💜

Remembering Our Littles...

Thanks to fellow blogger over at Waiting for Baby Bird, who through her Facebook page helps me remember the significance of today, October 15th...


You see, today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day:

From 7-8pm, in every timezone, it's a day dedicated to remembering all of our little ones who were gone too soon, but whom will always have a very special place in our hearts, forever.

If today is a day that touches you personally, please know that you are not alone, and I, along with many other women and men are sharing in your pain, loss, love, smiles, and heartache...

May the Lord help bring you strength and peace in knowing that He still does have (and really always had) a plan in all of this.  While it may seem grey, confusing, senseless, and many times unbearable - especially in the abyss of all the "not knowing why" - He is always there, right by your side. Through all of your pain, loneliness, and heartache, He is there, wrapping you in His loving arms... and it will be through His grace that you will come out on the other side, whatever that may look like for you.

To all who have precious little loved ones who have gone too soon, due to any of the difficult countless reasons, please know that you too are in my heart tonight... And I pray that God help heal your broken heart, while allowing you the strength to think of your little one(s) and smile with love.

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In memory of our three precious little ones who we only had for a short time, but who will all always remain in our hearts. I'm grateful that we had the opportunity to love you, and know that we always will continue to... until we can be together again 💚💚💚 

The Power of Infertility

Infertility can change you.

Really, that's an understatement. It does change you... at your core. It has the capacity to inevitably rewrite so much about your life. About who you are. About how you see things. It has a strength that can become all consuming.

All of this starts out as the excitement for wanting to start (or grow) your family, but then slowly morphs into a desire... and then into a longing. A longing to be pregnant. A longing to have a baby. And before you know it, that longing can begin to take a painful turn.

It can become a nagging pain... and then an intense pain, that you seem to be reminded of often. Reminded of at many innocent moments when you're least expecting it. Those moments when you're driving down the street and a pregnant woman walking down the sidewalk catches your eye. The moment when your searching for a parking spot and excitedly begin to pull into an open one near the front, only to realize it's reserved for "Expectant Mothers." The moment when your colleagues begin talking about all their weekend plans with their children, and you are starkly reminded that you don't have any children... Or that awkward moment when someone asks you, "Oh, do you have kids?" and when you politely say no, they proceed to ask, "Do you want any?"...if they only knew...

If they only knew how badly I want a child. How much I'm struggling to try and have a child. How much I have gone through, and continue to go through, to have a child...

If they only knew that I think about not having a child, and about the child we had to loose, more times a day than can probably be counted...

If they only knew... then they might begin to have a glimpse into exactly the power that infertility can have, and how it can rob you of oh so much. It has a strength to begin to change the way you view the world around you, and yourself for that matter.

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All that we have gone through in our battle with infertility has definitely reshaped me at my core. It's changed the way I think, the way I feel, the things I see and notice, the things I do everyday... It's changed who I am.

But the beauty in all of this...

I still have a choice.

I can choose to let it break me, and tear me down... Or I can choose to keeping moving forward and embrace it.

Embrace it?

Yes, I have chosen to embrace (and accept) my infertility. Trust me though, it hasn't always been easy, and it's undoubtedly been a long and arduous road to get here (and truthfully, I'm probably not even here on some days).

But as I look back to the early days of this journey, I'm reminded of where I started -- of the woman I was almost 3 years ago, who was in complete denial of the dreaded word: INFERTILITY. I not only didn't want to accept it, I whole-heatedly refused to accept it. It wasn't me and I didn't want any part of it.

But that's the thing about life - no matter how hard or how much we try to ignore reality, it's still there... and it will continue to be there until the moment we're ready to turn around and face it.

So that's what I did and that's what I choose to continue to do. I've accepted that this is our reality, and now I'm learning to embrace this path we've been set on. There's no sense in denying it or fighting it, or trying to refuse the reality of it... it just is.

At every moment, I have the choice to embrace or the choice to deny... I chose to embrace. And as I embrace, I continue to fight and look forward. Fight for the family I know we will have one day. Fight for the memory of the little peanut we had to say good-bye to. Fight through all that it continues to take to one day grow our family... and look forward to the moment when that comes to fruition.

As I continue to fight and look forward, I just have to focus on those things around me that I can draw strength from. My amazing husband who has been and continues to be my rock... and really, the one person who can understand exactly what this journey is. Our supportive family and friends, who continue to fight with us.., cheer during our celebrations and cry with us during our heartaches.  And most importantly, the foundation upon which I'm able to stand while going through all of this: my faith... and trust in Jesus.

In fact, my faith even reminds me of the promise that good can actually come, even out of the most difficult of circumstances, because God always does have a purpose... and although I may not be able to clearly see exactly what that purpose is right at this moment, I still know it to be true.

Even "in oceans deep, my faith will stand"... And that, is the one thing that I continue to hold on to through all of this...

Becoming One with the Needle... Again

The process to prepare for the upcoming Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) has slowly begun. At this point, we're looking at about two months out (give or take), so I recently started birth control pills again (I swear, the irony of that one will be something I never get over!)... and also ordered the different medications I'll need, and those arrives the other day.

Among them is, drum roll please... (and cue music signifying "impending doom"):

The dreaded Progesterone in Oil - also known as PIO shots.

Ahhhhh...

As I look ahead to having to give these injections, all I can think about and all that keeps swimming through my head is the horror stories I've heard...

In all that I've been through up until this point, for some reason, I swear the thought of these shots scares the heck out of me! I'm literally terrified...

What's so bad about them you might ask, well, let's start with the fact that they are intramuscular injections... In laymen's terms, this means a really big needle that must go through the muscle when you inject it. Yikes! Up until now, most of the shots (at least the self-administered ones) have been subcutaneous, meaning a small needle that basically just injects the medicine right below the surface of the skin into the fat, and then your body absorbs it from there. 

I've had a few intramuscular shots before when I've taken my HcG trigger shots, but the intramuscular ones were done in Dr. M's office by one of the nurses, so we've never had to give them ourselves (I say "we" because my husband is amazing and helps me with pretty much all of the shots).

The second frightened aspect is the fact that I will literally be injecting oil into myself. I don't know why, but for some reason this just seems weirdly unnatural... then again, what part of any of this process has been "natural"?

In addition, I've heard numerous stories that the shots are painful, the oil hurts when going in, the oil can be tough going in, there can be irritation or swelling/ lumps that form at the injection site, all kinds of fun stuff, ugh.

Of course, I've never been one to be afraid of needles or put off by a little pain or discomfort, and again, at this point, I'm pretty used to all that... but for some reason, these darn PIO shots are really psyching me out.

I have my consultation appointment set up for first thing tomorrow morning, where I'll go through some different consent forms and information to prepare for the upcoming transfer, and then will have a training session on exactly how to administer these shots - - so we'll see how that goes. I'm sure I'm just getting myself worked up into a tizzy about this for nothing, but for some reason these darn little shots are already taking me for a ride and I haven't even started them yet... What fun.

Ladies who have been down this road before, any thoughts? Advice? Experiences? I know I've seen, heard, and read little tips and tricks here and there before, so any advice is more than welcomed... until then, I will just sit here and continue to stew over the fear of these radical little shots :) 

Drama on ER Day... and My Popsicles

After my egg retrieval (ER) surgery a couple weeks back, I'm all recovered up at this point... and for the most part, everything went well. The surgery itself was quick and went as expected. The hubs and I arrived to Dr. M's office bright and early for our 6:30am appointment. We checked in, and not long after, we were called back to our room to be prepped and wait for the procedure.

After signing some more consents, getting an IV started, and reviewing what to expect with the nurse, we had a slight hiccup of drama right before I was scheduled to head back into the room for the ER.

Because of my over-response to the hormone injections this cycle, and the elevated risk that put me at for Ovarian Hyper-Stimulation Syndrome (OHSS), one of the nurses had told me a few days prior that they were calling in a prescription order of Ganirelix for me, to my mail-order pharmacy. I've used this pharmacy a number of times in the past, and typically every time Dr. M's office calls in an order, the pharmacy then calls me within a day or two to confirm and finalize the order for delivery. So when the nurse mentioned this, I didn't think anything of it, and just figured the pharmacy would call me as they always have.

Long story short, on the day of the ER, as the nurse was reviewing everything with me prior to the surgery, she mentioned that I would be starting the Ganirelix later that day, and would continue on the daily injection for a total of 7 days... "Uhhhh, I don't have the Ganirelix" I said to her.

And she looked at me with what I would describe as a slight look of terror...

"What do you mean you don't have it yet?  We called in the prescription for you?  It's important that you absolutely start on this medication today!" she said.

"Well, the pharmacy never called me and when I spoke to the nurse the other day, she just mentioned it in passing, and never specifically told me when I was supposed to start so I didn't know I needed it today. I was just waiting for the pharmacy to call me about it like they always do."  Miraculously, I was still somehow staying clam at this point.

The nurse said she would go and check to see if they happened to have one dose of it on hand in the office that they could give me for that day, but mentioned that she was doubtful they would... and mean while, I proceeded to get on the phone with the pharmacy to raise hell.

For the entire 15min. prior to being whisked into the procedure room, I spoke with numerous pharmaceutical representatives, and managers, and pharmacists, and customer service reps., literally having to explain my situation over and over again (while continuing to throw in the line that, "I'm sitting here about to go into surgery in a few minutes, and I need this medication today in order to prevent some post-op. complications that I'm at risk for ")... as if that would somehow magically help the medicine fly across the country from their warehouse to my front door.

Basically, it took 5 different people to finally get a straight answer: "The earliest possible time we could get this medication to you would be tomorrow morning, with overnight priority shipping."

"Wellllll, that's not going to work..."

Awesome.

Looks like we'll have to figure out a Plan B and cross our fingers that another local pharmacy has it in stock AND that insurance will cover it, or else we're choking down the $189 for one dose.

At that point... it was time for the ER.

And the Ganirelix drama was not the stress I needed at that moment.

Literally, always something...

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Regardless, the retrieval did go good... and the next thing I knew, I was back in the room reunited with my husband, apparently saying the same things over and over again and not remembering, because of the anesthesia :)

Immediately after the ER they told us how many eggs they were able to retrieve, and the next day we learned how many fertilized... and then a few days later we learned how many made it to the blastocyst stage.

All of it was, and still is, a very surreal experience.

(Ok, ok, at this point I know you're dying to know the meat of this all and what the ER stats were, so I won't make you wait any longer...)

I went in with approximately 30 follicles, and we were able to retrieve 25 eggs... Whoa.

Of those 25, 18 eggs were mature.

One a side note: Once the hubs and I had learned a few days prior that I was over-stimming, we, along with some guidance from our team at Dr. M's office, had decided that we may potentially not attempt to fertilize all of the eggs retrieved (just depended on the number we got), because we wanted to be conservative and limit the number of embryos we had (I know, not your typical IVF approach... and again, a post for another day). So we had gone into the ER with a maximum number of eggs in mind that we would attempt to fertilize.

Now back to our stats...

So we had 18 mature eggs, and of those 18 we had decided to try and fertilize 12 of them, using ICSI (our clinic uses it for all cases... It's basically where they inject the sperm directly into the egg, rather than just placing the egg and sperm together and letting fertilization attempt to occur on it's own).

Therefore, because of our choice, we were also able to freeze 6 of my eggs (obviously, unfertilized)... So this is nice to have as a back up plan down the road, if needed.

Of the 12 that we attempted to fertilize, 10 actually did fertilize.

And of those 10... 6 made it to the blast. stage and were able to be frozen. So at this point, we have 6 little popsicles in the freezer... and we're hoping to be able to transfer sometime in the next couple of months.

Until then, my heart belongs to my 6 popsicle babes... until the day that I can give each one an opportunity to come home...

Is Today Like Easter?

Here we are, the day of my egg retrieval (ER)surgery, and as I sit here at 5:30am, preparing to leave the house soon, I can't help but have the random the thought, "Is today like Easter?"

I mean, Dr. M is going to go around inside my ovaries looking for and scooping up as many eggs as possible?  That's pretty much what little kids do on Easter, right? Go around and collect eggs (not the "inside my ovaries" part)?

Ha.

Come on, I need to still be able to find some humor in all of this... so this is my attempt.

At least I made myself laugh (well, more like chuckle) this morning. And being in good spirits before going into the ER has to be worth something, right? I think so.

At this point, I'm ready to have these eggs out of me... all 30+ of them (yup, that many... remember, I hyper-stimmed, blah). So, I'm pretty bloated, uncomfortable, and it hurts to just sit down sometimes, and also trying to be very careful not to inadvertently do something to accidentally twist an ovary (called ovarian torsion).

So, we're about to be off... and get this Easter party started...

Red Light, Green Light... Red Light

Sooooo, it's been awhile (again) since my last update and continuing to go with the trend of my infertile life, it's been a ride...

After getting through and working to move past the devastation of the ectopic pregnancy that we faced (which began back in August), we had a consultation with Dr. M. to discuss recommended next steps.  In a nutshell, Dr. M. said that the first step would be to re-run a hystero-sonogram to check if my tubes were still open.  From there, we could again repeat an IUI using injectibles because, in his words, "After all, it did work this last time and we did achieve pregnancy... it was just in the wrong spot"... Or, we could consider moving to IVF.

Long story short - we decided to do IVF (perhaps another post in the future with more details on us actually making that decision, because it wasn't easy).

But I digress.

So we began moving forward towards IVF in early December.  Because of some of my labs, levels, and diagnostic testing, Dr. M. decided to put me on the long Lupron down-regulation protocol (or something along those lines that it's called). Anyways, bottom line is that Dr. M. put me on both Birth Control (BC) pills and Lupron injections for a few weeks prior to the anticipated start of my cycle/ the start of the hormone injections... The irony, right?  BC pills for someone who is not only trying to get pregnant, but having trouble getting pregnant?! Yes, sometimes that's just how it works.

Anyways, my new cycle was expected to start a few days after stopping the BC pills, so we waited for that to happen so that we could start the hormone stimulation injections. And we waited...

And waited some more...

And then waited even more for my cycle to start... and it never did. Ugh.

So a couple of days before the cut-off of when I would be able to start an IVF cycle (Dr. M's office doesn't do IVF every single day, so there are certain times throughout the month when you're able to start a cycle... Annoying, right?! Yes, I agreed!), they decided to just bring me in for baseline blood and ultra sound... just to check and see if maybe I was ready. They explained that sometimes the Lupron injections can really thin your uterine lining and cause you to not have a full cycle, or sometimes even just spot.

So I went in for the baseline blood and ultra sound on a Thursday, and when they called me later that day with the results of my tests, they said my body was definitely not ready to start the stim. injections.  All my levels were still extremely high and my body was no where near starting my period.

Man, so frustrating... Why can't my body just cooperate? Just once? Is that too much to ask?

At that point, the nurse said that Saturday was the last possible day to start, so they wanted me to come back in on Saturday morning to re-run the baseline tests, in case by chance, my body happened to be ready at that point. So I scheduled that.

The next day, on Friday, I had to chat with one of the IVF nurse coordinators regarding a few questions I had, and during that conversation she proceeded to tell me that she had reviewed my case with another nurse and they had determined that there was no way that my levels would drop that significantly from Thurs. to Sat, so I should just cancel my appointment (as to not have unnecessary tests done), and just wait until my period fully started to reset everything, and then we could restart the IVF cycle during the next round the following month - - RED LIGHT.

So I canceled my appointment... another blow. SOOO disappointing.

The next morning on Saturday, lo-and-behold, what do I wake up to??  Good ole' aunt flo'.

A big UGH... why couldn't you have arrived just a day or two sooner auntie??  Darn you for being so late.

So as instructed, I called Dr. M's office and left a message just to let them know I had "officially" started my cycle... and then I headed out to meet two of my good friends (who I hadn't seen in a few months) for a much needed, long-overdue breakfast date.

In the midst of breakfast with my girls, just as our food was being delivered to the table, I randomly looked at my phone and noticed I had a voicemail from Dr. M's office... So I listened to it.

The message was from one of the nurses who semi-frantically was instructing me to "get into the office right away this morning, before 9:45, to have some blood drawn" since my period had started.

What?!  Seriously? Come on... didn't we just go over this? My levels were all so high on Thursday so even though my period started, there's no way they would drop so quickly to be able to start. Besides, you typically aren't started on stims. until a couple days into your cycle, so what are the chances that I would be ready so soon?

Begrudgingly, I cut my much-anticipated breakfast date with my girlfriends short to crazily rush over to Dr. M's office... had my blood drawn... went home... waited for the voicemail with results... got the results... and heard the nurse say, "All your levels are great!  They all miraculously dropped and you are good to go and start your injections tonight"... WHAT?!?

Seriously?! Talk about a miraculous turn of events! And something positive for once! Praise God! - - GREEN LIGHT.

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Fast forward a couple weeks worth of injections later, and that brings us to yesterday. I went in yesterday morning for what we anticipated would be my last blood and ultra sound monitoring before the egg retrieval, and then I waited for the results. I got the voicemail towards the end of my afternoon as I was getting ready to leave my office for the day.  The first thing that I hear the nurse report out on was my Estradiol/ Estrogen (E2) level. It was almost 5,700... then I hear her explain, "Please just note that with an E2 level that high, any embryos will be frozen because it's not an optimal environment for implantation and pregnancy..." WHAT?? Again, is this really happening??

In a nutshell, my body over-stimmed (yet again, similar to one of my IUI cycles). My estrogen shot through the roof, and I now have 17 follicles on the right side and 13 on the left. AHHHHH!!!... So they canceled the transfer and we need to now wait to do a future frozen embryo transfer (FET) cycle, until my levels can return within normal range - - RED LIGHT... AGAIN...

I'm still scheduled for my retrieval surgery bright and early tomorrow morning, so we're hoping that all goes well. And also hoping, and praying, that my body can stabilize itself afterward, since I'm now at an elevated risk for OHSS (oviarian hyper-stimulation syndrome), a nasty complication that can occur after retrieval.

And that's that folks. A big, long update to try and recap the last couple months of life... and our big step forward into the terrain of IVF...

The Roller Coaster - Part 2

Continuing on from my previous post, The Roller Coaster, even though my HCG levels weren't rising as expected, Dr. M still seemed hopeful and simply wanted to wait a few more days and check again... so that's what we did.

At the next follow up blood test, my levels continued to rise slowly, but again not doubling... and this time, they rose even more slowly than the first time.  At this point, I knew something might be wrong, but I still held out hope and continued to pray and just stay positive.

Of course, cue in the unleashing of my frantic obsession with Googling during every free moment I had, in order to continue to find those hope stories where women had slow rising HCG, but continued to go on and have healthy, full pregnancies... and although finding those cases where few and far between, I found them and held out hope.

Typically, when HCG levels are not rising at the appropriate rate (i.e., doubling at least every 2-3 days max), that's often a sign of an impending miscarriage, due to any variety of things. And even though that was the outcome in about 95% of the stories, blogs, and message boards that I found, I.Still.Had.Hope...

At this point, Dr. M had said let's wait a week and come back in for additional follow up blood work and to try and do a preliminary ultra sound to see if we could actually see anything.

So that's what we did.

A week later, I went in for more blood work and an ultra sound. I was literally beside myself with anxiety, fear, anticipation... you name it. I wanted so desperately to have them be able to see some, even a small, remnant of gestational sac. Something to know that it was really there... that there was some "proof" of our baby that had been conceived...

But there was nothing.

The ultra sound tech. assured me that it was still too early and the likelihood of actually seeing "something" was pretty much non-existent, given that my HCG levels were still barely skirting around 1,000 and that I was merely around only 5 weeks. So again, I still had hope.

Dr. M had me wait another week, and then come back for more blood and another ultra sound. So that's what we did. Like deja vu all over again, I went back it and laid on the ultra sound table in silent hope that we would be able to see something...

And just like last time, even though my HCG levels continued to rise slowly, the tech. said, "I'm sorry, but I'm still just not seeing anything..."  My heart sank, but I quickly tried to remind myself that it could still be early and that as long as my levels were continuing to rise, I clearly wasn't having a miscarriage at that point.

Then suddenly, I heard the tech. say, "Oh wait, I do see something - here it is... Unfortunately, it's outside the uterus... I'm sorry"

My heart sank even deeper...

She proceeded to explain to me that it looked like the baby had implanted in my left Fallopian Tube...

My darn tubes... They have been the problem since the beginning... Ahh...

But this wasn't supposed to happen.  We knew that my left tube had the bigger issue... and even though I had surgery to correct the issue and completely open them back up, Dr. M still played it conservatively and "pushed right" as he called it. Meaning, he focused mostly on my right side and waited for the most mature follicles to develop on the right side. And this cycle, I didn't even have any larger sized follicles on the left side, they were all on the right... so how did this happen? How did a little, seemingly small and immature follicle from the left side produce an egg that got fertilization and managed to implant?!?

What a nightmare.

The next day Dr. M wanted to repeat the ultra sound again, with him present, just to be absolutely sure that we were seeing it correctly and that it was in fact in my tube, with no possibility of it being a viable pregnancy... so that's what we did... and I appreciated this additional check for certainty on his part.

Over the course of the next 24 hrs. we cried, we prayed, we shared the situation with our immediate family and had them pray too... all of us just asking, hoping for a miracle. That some how we misread the first ultra sound and it was in fact in my uterus. That some how a miracle would happen and the pregnancy in some way, shape, or form could be saved. Something. Anything. We prayed, all while still wanting to be in alignment with God's will and plan, no matter what it was... Talk about hard.

The next day, we had the ultra sound with Dr. M present... and he confirmed it, it was in my left tube, therefore it was ectopic. There was nothing any of us we could do, as it wasn't viable...

And we were left only with the choice to terminate, and force a miscarriage...



...And as if that wasn't the hardest part to swallow already, unfortunately the nightmare wouldn't and couldn't just end for us there...

The Roller Coaster

For those of you who regularly read my blog, I apologize for the major hiatus I've been on for the past couple of months... Let me tell you, saying "It's been a roller coaster" is a major under-statement...

In thinking about where to start, a million and one things go through my head.  I've consider making this post short, sweet, and to the point.  I've consider making it long to include all the details and ups and downs.  I've considered taking the time to share the whole story across multiple posts... I've considered it all.  And to be honest, as I sit here and write this, even now, I'm not really sure which route to take, but I think it's time to just start and see where my words take me...

I guess let's cut to the chase...

On Aug. 9, 2016, while at work in the midst of helping provide a huge week-long, back to school training for all of the teachers and specialists I help support, I got the call from Dr. M's office with amazing news... I was pregnant!!!

Literally, the news was surreal, and as I started crying, it still felt like the reality was barely setting in.  To try to explain what it's like to receive news that you've been waiting SOOOOO long to hear, is nearly impossible.  There's a mix and rush of emotions.  There's excitement.  There's a little bit of fear.  There's trying to process what to do next, how to tell my hubs, who to tell after that, and so on... There's literally a million things going through your head at once.

But since I was still at work in the middle of hosting this training, I had to pull it together and go back to what I was doing, pretending as if the best moment of my life did not just happen.

As I wrapped up my work day, I had decided that I didn't want to tell my husband this amazing news over the phone, and that I would wait until I got home to tell him in person.  Unfortunately, I had class that evening for my graduate program, so that only made the waiting with this powerful news even longer, and harder... but I was adamant.

I left work and headed over to class, taking the next few hours to try and decide on a cute and meaningful way to share the news with my husband... all while still bursting at the freaking seems just wanting to tell someone!!... I swear, keeping this "secret" to myself for like 5 hrs. was definitely torture!

Finally class was over (early!) so I quickly drove towards home (trying not to speed, but let's be honest) and decided to make a quick pit-stop at the grocery store.  I bought a small container of poppy seeds and a pack of cigars.  Why you ask, since that's a pretty weird combination... Well, it's because my plan was to go home, tell the hubs I had something for him, and hand him a tiny poppy seed... so that's exactly what I did!  When he asked, "What's this?" a huge smile uncontrollably beamed across my face as I said, "That's the size of our baby right now!"

He was stunned... and shocked... and didn't believe me... and asked 20 times, "Are you serious??"

It was the perfect moment.

We reveled in this happiness and amazement that this was FINALLY happening... after over 2 years!  We seriously couldn't believe it, but welcomed every second of our shock :)

Over the next two days we lived in pure bliss.  Both of us randomly catching ourselves during moments when we'd forget that we were finally pregnant, and then suddenly remember and burst into smiles, or laughter, or excitement.  Saying it was amazing, again, is an understatement.

... However, everything came to a screeching halt two days later when we had our follow up Beta Blood Test... and my HCG levels were not doubling as they should.  They were rising, but just not quite at the doubling rate... and that's when the real roller coaster began...

When You're Walking Through the Darkness...

What do you do when you're walking through a time (or season) of darkness?  When you can't see the light ahead of you?  When you can't see the path that you're supposed to be on?  Not even a glimmer of it to help you continue to put one foot in front of the other?

How do you "keep moving forward" when the uncertainty seems to consume you?

When you're walking through the darkness, what do you do?... The answer is, you just keep walking.

You just keep putting one foot in front of the other, even when you can't clearly see your own feet... Because, this is really the only choice you have.

Infertility is hard. Like really hard. And it robs you of so much. It robs you of things you didn't even realize you could be robbed of in the first place. And it has the capacity to strip you of so many other things as well.

But again, all I can do is keep walking. Keep doing all that I can, whatever I can, to keep moving along. Keep putting one foot in front of the other... because unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), I can't let my whole life crumble before me. I can't just stop living. I won't.

Although at times it can (and will) bring me to my knees, make me feel like I can't keep going, and make me question my own ability to keep waking up every morning and even keep breathing, it cannot and will not have the ability to steal my entire life.

In some way, shape, or form, there is a way.

For me personally, that way is my faith. My trust in God. My strength that I receive from knowing my Savior Jesus Christ. The one who gives me the ability to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even in the midst of the most terrifying black darkness.

God is good, no matter what. And through everything, even through the most painfully, uncertain times, I know that He is still good. He is still in control. And I know that He has a plan for me (and us, including my husband) through all of this chaos.

My trust in God is unwavering and unbreakable. I mean, don't get me wrong, there are definitely times when it's tested and when it becomes a bit more difficult to hold on to, believe me there are. But no matter what, the bottom line is that it will never falter. It will never leave me... and God is the one who gives me this strength.

While this strong trust and faith in God doesn't make my life and my journey any less difficult, it does make it possible...

It makes me realize that no matter how thick the fog gets and how consuming the darkness may become, I'm not alone in it. I'm never alone. I have Him.

God is always walking with me... Always standing next to me... And sometimes perhaps even carrying me...

So at those moments when even I have to ask myself what to do when I'm walking through the darkness, I must always remember that the answer is: I just keep on walking... holding on to my true faith in whatever God's plan is for me, because no matter what, I know that plan, His plan, will always be good...

I Am Blessed

So I'm sitting here in Dr. M's waiting room, waiting to be called back for our IUI #4...

Apparently, it's a happenin' place today, as I sit here and watch countless women and men filter in and out for what I can only assume are all different types of appointments, consultations, blood draws, and procedures.

I feel good about today...

Dr. M said that all of my numbers looked good and things were right where he wanted them. I do think that he approached this cycle a little more conservatively than the last, given that I boarder line hyper-stimmed - so I do appreciate that. And after all, it only takes one good, solid little eggie to get the job done (and whole bunch of prayers, faith, trust - and some good swimmers).

As I sit here glancing around the nearly silent, yet packed waiting room, it's an odd reminder that we're not alone in this battle. Everyone else here is on their own journeys too. Albeit, we may all be in different stages and places along that journey, but the bottom line is that it helps serve as a reminder that the hubs and I are not the only ones going through this.

But I digress... Back to feeling good about today. Yes, that's what I want to focus on. I'm blessed to have my amazing husband by my side at this moment. I'm blessed to have wonderful family, friends, and even complete strangers praying for us today. And I'm blessed because I have the reassurance that no matter what happens, and what the outcome of this cycle is, I know that God is in control... and while it's still a daily (sometimes hourly) struggle, there's nothing that can help bring more peace than that.

I trust in you Lord... Here we go...

Learning to Wait...

Waiting, waiting, waiting... Has anyone in life figured out a successful way to wait? Patiently?

It's probably one of the hardest things to master. Lucky for me, I have infertility to thank for giving me the opportunity to practice this skill on a regularly, really a daily, basis.

If it's not the all-dreaded two week wait that we're "waiting for," then it's test results, or appointments, or news on when we can start our next cycle round of treatment, or answers for what the problem is, or... well, you get the picture.

As individuals who are living with infertility, both us women and even men, we have no choice but to learn how to wait... if that's even possible, to "learn." It seems that life these days is filled with nothing but the opportunity to wait. Wait for our drugs to work... Wait for our beta pregnancy tests... Wait for our families to finally grow. No matter what, there's waiting involved.

As I sit here on the crux of yet another session of waiting to come to an end, I can't help but reflect on really how often we are forced to exercise this skill in our daily lives. At this moment, I'm yet again at that cross-roads of waiting... To either find out if I'm pregnant (which I still always hold out hope for) or to start a new cycle and hopefully continue to move forward.

Simultaneously, if I do start a new cycle, then a new waiting game begins over the following few days as I wait to have my baseline ultrasound and blood work appointment, to then wait for the results of whether or not the two cysts on my right ovary have disappeared or shrunk enough to move forward.

Then, as you guessed it, the next waiting game begins... waiting to begin the injections, waiting for the injections to work, waiting for the IUI to be scheduled, and then waiting for that first beta blood test.

At this point in my journey, over two years in, I've learned to (mostly) come to terms with the waiting. I mean really, I have no choice. I've accepted that this is my new normal for the time being and the only thing I can do is turn to the one true thing that can get me through all the waiting... and that is my faith.

I know that all this waiting will be worth something in the end, it has to be. And for the time being, I can only believe that God is allowing me all this practice at waiting only to make me stronger - to allow me the opportunity to grow my faith - to teach me to TRUST in Him even more.

In the end, all the waiting will be completely overshadowed by my new, new normal - a family... and suddenly, it will all make sense. This I truly believe.

...Until then, I just keep practicing my "waiting" skills, with as much grace and faith as I can...

Crazy Eggs...

So although my craziness has seemed to subside and I've been able to gain back control of my mental and emotional state, apparently this level of crazy has found it's way into my ovaries.

What???

So after my baseline ultrasound and blood work that was done yesterday (Tues.) morning, I got a call from Dr. M's office saying that they wanted me to adjust my injectable meds. Initially, they had me on 75 units of both Follistim and Menopur (which I believe is one of the lowest dosages). I took that dosage for four days and then went in on the fifth day (which was Tues.) for my baseline.

As of yesterday morning, I had 8 follicles ranging from 14.4mm down to 8.5mm (6 on the right side and 2 on the left).  Obviously none of them were mature yet, but with having that many in the running, and my Estradiol level at 1,114 and lining at 9.1, Dr. M wanted me to only take 75 units of the Menopur and no Follistim - which I did last night.

Then it was back to the office bright and early this morning for another ultrasound and blood work.

This afternoon I then got a call from the nurse with my updated results from this morning. This time I had 10 follicles total, now ranging from 15.7mm to 8.4mm (still 6 on the right side and now 4 on the left).  Again, none of them are quite mature yet, but a few are getting close.  So, coupled with my Estradiol level going up to 1,709 and my lining being 9.7, they told me I'm now at-risk for hyper-stimulating.

ARRRGGGGHHHHH....

So frustrating!! One, I don't want to develop OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation disorder - which you can read more about here), because that would be no fun... and two, I don't want to have this cycle canceled. Not after all this. Not after getting to this point and finally picking back up with treatments again. Not after having to endure a round of craziness (which was no fun for me or those around me)... No, no no!!

I was ordered not to take any medications tonight and to once again go back in the morning for yet another round of ultrasound and blood work to see how things are progressing.

At this point, all I can do is pray and ask for prayers. I trust that all of this still continues to be in God's hands and that ultimately His will, will prevail. Until then though, I can only pray for the strength needed to continue to endure this trial and for the ability to have faith in whatever His plan is in all of this... and umm, to cross my fingers that some of these crazy little eggs slow their roll and stop growing.

Insecurities, Shots, and Dog Days of Summer

I mentioned in my last post how I've been struggling with getting myself fit and in shape while preparing to adhere to the strict "no high impact exercise" orders from Dr. M's office, once I start the injectable cycle. As a result, I've lost my ability to engage in my number one preferred exercise and stress reliever: running... and have struggled to get myself back into shape, which has fueled some major insecurities for me.

So I've worked hard over the past few days to try and get myself back to being leveled headed and not letting these insecure thoughts and feelings (about everything) take over my sanity... and my marriage (my poor husband - he loves me so much though, even when I'm a crazy person).

Without jinxing myself, I feel like I've turned a new leaf and am over this ridiculous insecurity beast that blind-sided me.

Although I'm still emotional as ever and literary cry at everything. I mean everything, good and bad... including stuff that has no reason to make me cry. Like my brother sending me a picture of Niagara Falls, where him and his family are on vacation right now. Yup, I cried at that. Because it was gorgeous. And because I was happy that my nieces got to see it. Yup. I did. I balled my eyes out.

I told you - - straight crazy.

Anyways, on another fun note, I had my baseline ultrasound and blood work done on Friday morning and then heard back from Dr. M's office that I was to start my injections that night - so I did! And here I am on Day 4 of my shots.

How are they you ask? Oh just lovely... NOT. They hurt. The needle itself is no big deal. I've never been one who's afraid of needles, so I handle that part just fine. It's the darn medicine, Menopur specifically, that kicks my butt. Every time.

I'm on a combo of Follistim and Menopur, that I have to mix together, well really my husband does the mixing. And the injecting - he's seriously the best, did I mention that already? :) So luckily it's just one injection total, but that Menopur, woooooo, that stuff stings and burns like an evil-doer, starting about 3secs. into the injection and then for about 10min. afterward.

I was given the option of injecting into my stomach, outer upper thigh, or back of arm/ tricep area. The first time, I apprehensively choose to do it in my stomach.

Here I am getting ready for the first shot...

To be honest, after all was said and done, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I did squeal a little bit, if you want to call it that - but all in all, not so bad.

Thumbs up to me for taking it like a champ (minus the minor squealing of course).

So of course me being me, the following nights I had to try all three injection spots to see which I liked the best.

And the verdict is...

My stomach. I think?

I did my stomach the first night and it wasn't horrible. Did my thigh the next night and it was horrible. Then did my arm last night and it was even more horrible. So tonight, it's back to the stomach to see if it was as great as I remembered... wish me luck.

Tomorrow it's back in for another ultrasound and blood work to see how I'm responding and then we go from there. I'm being very positive about all of this (opposite of how I was just a few days ago), so just continuing to look forward ahead.

Other than that, today was one of our pup's birthdays! Happy Birthday Payton! He turned the big 3 today, so of course we had to get him a cake. I mean, duh, how else would you celebrate a pittie's 3rd birthday?

Here he is enjoying his peanut butter flavored cake from his favorite bakery nearby...

He was also nice enough to share a slice with his fur-brother Jax, even though Jax had his own goodie from the bakery (a cookie!) - such brotherly love.








And to end this fabulous weekend with amazing weather, our other pup Jax got to play in his pool for awhile (Payton hates water)...

All in all, although it started off rough with some major craziness, this weekend turned out to be great... and now I'm focusing ahead on this cycle and looking forward to what I know God has in store for us.

All Aboard the Crazy Train

So apparently I jumped on the crazy train yesterday and I haven't even started the hormones yet...

I think my emotions have been eluding me lately while secretly piling up and waiting for the imperfectly perfect moment to rear their ugly head - - and let me tell you, last night was the night.

Everything started out just fine (isn't that how it always goes?), until I decided to freak out on my husband as we were getting ready for bed and be not so nice to him... And for what reason, you ask? Well, good question. I'm still not actually sure :( 

Then that turned into me storming away to go downstairs and progressed into me crying about how I can't handle my life right now, am exhausted and over whelmed, hate my body and the way I look (more on that in a minute), and am not looking forward to starting these injectables because 'they're not going to work anyways' - yea, apparently I'm in a pretty negative space and didn't even realize it. 

Yikes.

Honestly though, I think last night was unfortunately just the perfect storm of everything that is stressful in my life coming to a head. Work has been absolutely crazy for me over the past two months and will continue to be over the next couple of weeks until I'm officially done for the summer. 

Typically, as in years past, the last week or two of my school year winds down pretty well and I usually find myself with plenty of unscheduled moments where I can do things like start developing coaching plans for the districts I work with, as well as organize my desk, files, and resources - you know, stuff that there's really never time for during the year. But this year for some reason, my schedule is jammed pack, literally to the minute, with meetings so there's been no time to even catch my breath.

Layer on grad. school that I've started again, as well as a million other little things and I've been riding on like 4-5 hours of sleep per night, for the past 4 nights. And no sleep alone can make you get on the crazy train...

The other thing that's apparently been bubbling, but that I was kind of unaware of until last night, was how unhappy I am with body at the moment. I'm typically a runner and that's been my main method of de-stressing when it comes to working out and exercising for a long time. 

However, in knowing that we were going to be starting these injectable cycles, from what I've researched and from explicit instructions from Dr. M's office, I knew that once I started I would have a restriction on high impact exercises... which means no running. 

So to prepare myself, since I knew that was going to be a big transition, I started taking up walking 3-4 miles a day, as well as continuing with my pilates, yoga, and weight training.

Well unfortunately, because of this switch, I haven't been able to get back to (or even anywhere close to) my typical summer in-shape self. That coupled with apparently hitting the age range where a random, impulse Snickers bar at 8pm (yes, poor choice, I know) takes about 2 months to undo instead of 2 days, has left me with a body I'm not used to having.

Now look, I'm not trying to come off as one of those dramatic people who want to complain about their weight and just want to look good while not wanting to do anything about it - - but this is new territory for me. I've always been able to kick start myself back up when I realize I haven't been eating the healthiest and have been slacking on working out. But that isn't the case this time.

In fact, overall I've probably been eating the healthiest that I have in my entire life (ok, ok, with the exception of the occasional bad choices) and I've been exercising regularly for the past few months... yet I'm still at my heaviest weight in yeeeeeeeears, many of my clothes fit much tighter (some not even at all), and my body just doesn't carry the extra pounds as well as it used to - and apparently REFUSES to let me take them off. Not matter what I do.

I've never done as much as I'm doing now and still struggled like this to try and get fit, so this new and super frustrating and difficult territory for me. Plus, not having one of my usual methods of de-stressing.

I've also been super emotional about babies and pregnancy stuff lately. I mean, all of us going through infertility know that this is a constant battle, but for the most part, I've actually been in a really good place for awhile now and have not had to struggle much with these feelings like I used to.

Well - I guess that's changed too and many of those emotions have blinded-sided me lately... causing me to cry on the drop of dime, often out of no where. Not fun.

All of this and I haven't even start the hormones yet... awesome.

Maybe I need therapy.

Maybe retail therapy?... 

Yea, I think I need a new bag this weekend... I'm sure that will help.

Watch Your Words

So recently, my husband had a very interesting "interaction" with a co-worker. This is a co-worker who isn't aware of our infertility struggles (some of his other co-workers are).

It all started the day after my husband had to leave work early in order for us to go to one of our infertility appoints - specifically, the one where we had the 2 hour training on all the nitty gritty of how to give the self-injections that we'll be starting in a couple weeks (that is unless of course this happen to be our "lucky" month... yup, I still never give up hope).

Anyways, back to the story...

So the day that my husband had to leave work early, I was actually at his school with him in the morning, since I had a team who wanted to observe his math instruction (we're both educators), and then my husband took the afternoon off so that we could go to our appointment together. Well apparently, this co-work of his (we'll call her Brittany) noticed that my husband had taken the afternoon off, and also knew that I was there in the morning. So the next day when she saw him, she decided that is was a good idea to go up and say, "Hey, did you play hooky with your wife yesterday? I saw that she was here in the morning and then I saw that you left in the afternoon."

Caught off-guard by her apparently random comment and question, my husband simply replied, "No, we actually had a doctor's appointment to go to." Brittany then said, "Oh ok... well, you should have played hooky - that would have been fun."  Umm, ok, well thanks for the unsolicited advice??

Then, this Brittany chick proceeded to cross the line... An invisible line, might I add, that she had no idea she was crossing, but nonetheless.

She apparently felt the need to give my husband an earful at that moment about how he should really take the opportunity to play hooky with his wife more often because we don't have any kids yet. And how we're "SOOOO lucky" that we don't have any kids yet. And how it must be nice to just do whatever we want, whenever we want, because we don't have any kids yet. And how she wishes she could go back to the days when she didn't have any kids.  And how we really should appreciate this time in our lives when we don't have any kids, because it goes down hill once you do. And how she's so jealous of us because we don't have any kids yet. And... well, I'm sure you get the picture at this point.

If I were there I would have counted how many times she used the damn phrase: "Don't have any kids yet." Really? We didn't notice, but thanks for so blatantly pointing that out.

Also, thanks for helping us realize "how lucky" we are that we don't have any kids... yet. Oh, and for ironically finding the perfect moment and time and person to vent to about how much you apparently dislike having kids. Yea, awesome.

I felt bad for my husband when he came home and told me that story... And then felt infuriated that he had to deal with that, especially coming off the the whirlwind of just getting an over-load of information the day before about how his wife will shortly begin to drug herself with self-injections, just for the sheer hope that we can "have kids."

Really, Brittany?... The last thing my husband (and me later that evening) wanted to hear from someone who's opinion was not asked for, was how horrible your life apparently is because you have kids - and how "awesome" ours apparently is because we don't. Yea, thanks for offering those thoughts to the infertile couple.

Brittany, poor Brittany... she had no idea what she had set herself up for, and I'm sure she meant no harm. But honestly, please be more thoughtful about your words and your decision to just so openly share - no wait, project - your opinion on someone else.

To Brittany... I hope you can find a moment of clarity in your ever so difficult life and take a second to step back and appreciate the beautiful children God has blessed you with and allowed you to have in your life. I'm sure there are plenty of moments filled with frustration, exhaustion, and plain old defeat, but truly you have a blessing - actually multiple blessings - that so many of us continue to dream of, hope for, pray for, get poked, prodded, and drugged for, spend exorbitant amounts of money for, and spend so many moments each day simply longing for.

I'm sure being a parent isn't always rainbows and sunshine, but it's truly a blessing... and I vow to never allow myself to forget that when my opportunity arrives.

Until then, I can only pray for parents like Brittany (and her children) who seemed to have lost sight of that - or even more unfortunately, maybe never even realized it in the first place.

On-wards and Upwards

It's been awhile since I last updated, so I apologize. Life has been a little crazy lately. As an educator, those that are fellow educators know that this time of year can be, well, NUTS! In addition, I recently went back to graduate school for a second round, so that's added some additional craziness to my plate. But enough of that... It's time for a much needed update on my infertile life :)

As a quick recap, we decided to take a little hiatus from medical fertility treatments for a couple of months - for various reasons. During this break I've been working hard to really focus on some more natural approaches to helping increase fertility... such as exercise (pilates and yoga for fertility), self-fertility massage, and eating as clean and as healthy as I can. After a couple of months, while I can't say that I'm pregnant just yet, I can however say that I do believe these things have definitely helped and increased my fertility, in various ways... and have made me much healthier (and more aware of what I'm putting into my body) in the process!

I've worked hard to cut most processed foods, white refined sugars, caffeine, and other toxins (by eating about 80-90% organic) out of my diet and rid my body of the negative effects they all have, not only on my health, but more specifically on my fertility.

So where do things go from here, you ask?

Well, we're actually ready to go back to fertility treatments (that is of course, unless this month happens to be 'the month' - I will never loose hope!) and we're gearing up for our next step of the plan, which consists of drum-roll please:...NEEDLES! Yup, for this next cycle we (I, really) will be taking daily gonadotropin injections and then we'll have IUI number 3 scheduled.

Yesterday, we actually had our appointment with one of the nurses at Dr. M's office to have our 2-hour "training session" to go over all that basics and nitty gritty of doing the self-injections.

Looks like I have TONS of fun ahead of me here in the near future.

But really though, in a weird way I'm actually kind of excited to start this next phase. I mean, I'm not necessarily jumping out of my chair to start injecting myself (or have the hubs do so) on a daily basis, but I'm definitely looking forward to the hopeful possibility that this next phase represents. I'm so happy that we took a couple of months to just breathe and re-set ourselves, as well as focus on getting even healthier... and now I'm ready to go back in for round whatever we're technically on (three, four?).

So that's that really... Still loving my green smoothies and juice. Still pilat-ing and massaging my way to a baby. And oddly enough, looking forward to apparently beginning to stick needles into myself on a regular basis. Life's awesome! Really, it is!... That wasn't sarcastic!! :)

The Dark Side of Silence - #StartAsking

As part of National Infertility Awareness Week, the organization Resolve (check them out here) has decided their awareness campaign theme this year is #StartAsking. The reality is that 1 in 8 couples struggle through facing infertility... 1 in 8!! While that may or may not seem like a lot to you, in actuality infertility is much more prevalent than many people think or even realize. Think about it... I'm sure many of you can think of at least 8 different couples you know - friends, family, co-workers, people at church, or even acquaintances. Statistically speaking, there's a good chance that at least one of those couple has faced the realities of infertility, whether they are going through it now, have in the past, or may even face it in the future once deciding to try and start (or even further grow) their family... and yes, couples who may have already had a child with no difficulty can even face infertility on their second, third, etc. try - it doesn't only affect couples trying for their first child.

So back to the #StartAsking campaign. This year (to me) the campaign really represents a movement to start opening the lines of communication. Unfortunately, although infertility is a pretty prevalent diagnosis, it's often something that's not talked about... sometimes even considered a "taboo" subject. And I get it, trust me of all people I really do. It's considered a "private and personal" matter for many couples, and often starts with a phase of denial that needs to be worked through.

I spoke briefly in an earlier post (that you can check out here) about how at the beginning of this journey I struggled to really even accept the reality that this was what my husband and I were facing - the dreaded word: INFERTILITY. I didn't want to accept that and didn't want to be "that couple" that struggled to have a baby. I wanted to be like every other couple who got to experience the rush of excitement when first deciding to "try." The couple that gets to fantasize about all the cute and fun ways they will tell friends and family that they're pregnant... and then actually get to use one of those ways to tell people. I wanted to be the couple that was just "normal" when it came to baby-making.

But instead, I got to be one of the lucky 1 in 8's - and from there I had to embark down the long and winding road of living through my infertility battle. No matter how much I didn't want it to be true, how much I prolonged even making that first appointment to see my fertility specialist (Dr. M's) or how hard I tried to wish it away, I couldn't. It was here. It was real. It was a battle I was about to embark on that had no definitive end in sight.

Now, as things stand 2 years later, I get to look back and reflect on parts of this journey and hopefully try to help others with my retrospect.

You see with infertility, especially in the beginning phases, there often comes some denial, as I previously mentioned. Denial in a sense that you just keep hoping that this next month will just be "the month" and then you either won't even have to bother telling anyone about the struggle or at least light-heartedly share about the struggle after you can announce your pregnancy.

Even more so, often times with infertility there comes this weird and sometimes even hard to understand feeling of shame. Shame that you can't get pregnant like everyone else. Shame that as a woman your body isn't working the way it was designed to. Shame that your body can't successfully accomplish the one thing as a woman that seems so easy (an even "accidental") for so many others. Shame that you are "the couple who can't have a baby."

For a long time though, I didn't really even understand these feelings. On the outside, I remember feeling like, "I'm not ashamed about what we're going through, I just don't want people to know. I don't want their pity." But really, once I was able to work through many, many, many feelings, I realized that a lot of it was rooted in some sort of shame that my body was letting me down - that it wasn't doing was it was supposed to do and there was nothing that I could really do to make it.

Yet through all of the "working through my feelings" I was adamant about still not telling anyone (and I mean anyone) about our struggle - for various reasons... and this is one of the major downsides to infertility. This shame of silence that you lock yourself into. The feeling of loneliness that you don't mean to, but actually do choose to lock yourself into. By not sharing (even with just one other person close to you) you prevent yourself from being allowed to have a support system around you. You close yourself off to an outlet for love and support and compassion.

And in my situation, that's exactly what I did... I unintentionally locked myself into this dark place of sealing all of my feelings, fears, thoughts, and frustrations inside - with no way to properly process them.

But even more so, the even darker side to all of this was what I had inadvertently put my loving husband through. He on the other hand didn't hold the same thoughts as me about not telling anyone. I mean, he wasn't all about shouting it from the roof-tops, but he also didn't really understand what was so bad about sharing our difficulties with family and close friends. So unfortunately, what I did was lock him into a dark world of silence as well - one that he had no choice to not be in, and one where he had no one he could talk to (without fear of me going crazy for "telling our dirty little secret").

You see, when a couple goes through infertility it doesn't only impact the woman, it also significantly impacts the man in the situation. He was going through his own range of emotions in dealing with this difficulty, many that were the same as mine, some that were different. But sadly, and regrettably, it took me awhile to realize this. I figured since we were going through this together, he had me to talk to and I had him... which we did, but there's still so much power in being able to open up to someone else about all of it. My husband worked so hard to be strong and supportive for me, that I think he sometimes forgot to take care of himself, and allow himself to process through all the feelings he was having... and I clearly didn't make that any easier for him. Sweetheart, I know you know this, but I am truly so so sorry... you didn't deserve to have to be in that place alone, and I know you allowed yourself to be because of how much you love me - for that, I am eternally grateful, and love you more than I could ever express. I'm sorry...

Of course everything is clearer in retrospect, but looking back I wish I would have opened up sooner to close family and friends about our infertility. I wish I would have let my husband speak openly to whomever he felt comfortable sharing with. I wish I didn't lock us both into this dark and lonely place for so long. But - I did.

So now in moving forward and seeing how far we've come and how amazingly powerful and helpful it's been for us to open up about our journey, my advice to others - whether you're just starting to navigate your way through these waters, or knee deep into the world of living with infertility - is as follows:

- First and foremost, your journey is your own, and ultimately you get to choose who and how and when you would like to open up and share. Just because it was something positive and helpful for me (and my husband) doesn't mean it's right for you... or right, right now

- Communicate openly with your partner and be accepting of the fact that you both may have different needs - and be respectful of how to best have those needs met

- It's a personal choice of who to tell, but consider opening up to at least one person you trust about it... I can't tell you how amazing it was for me once that shadowy wall came down and I knew I had a friend whom I could call and chat openingly with about all the nuances (and frustrations) of infertility treatments. Likewise, it was just as amazing once we knew we had the support of both of our parents behind us... praying for us, sending love and encouragement, and providing support

So in light of this week dedicated to bringing awareness to this issue - I challenge you to start opening the lines of communication. Infertility is a medical diagnosis and we all need to band together to break the stigma, misunderstandings, and taboo culture that surrounds it and start breaking the silence...

Faith Through The Trials and Rough Roads

My faith truly is the main thing that gives me strength through this entire journey through infertility. Being able to trust in God and turn to Him during the most difficult and trying times, and even during the small celebrations, is the rock upon which I can stand.

At times, however, it can become easy to overlook and forget about this never-failing support from Him. Getting wrapped up in all of the daily tracking, charting, appointments... and hoping, wishing, watching for any sign that this month might be the month can quickly consume all of you. It's easy in those happy celebratory moments to thank God for the victory, but it's during those most difficult, disappointing instances when your true faith is tested.

Now don't get me wrong, having this faith and trust in God doesn't make any of this easy by any means, because it's still not easy. In fact, it's probably one of the most difficult things that I've been through in my life thus far. But what my faith does do is make it possible for me to continue to get through these trials.

There have been plenty of times that I've questioned God and His plan, been frustrated with it since it clearly isn't aligned with my plan, and even been times when I've been flat out angry and livid with what He's allowing me to go through. But ultimately, I'm still somehow always able to come back to a place of peace knowing that no matter what, and no matter how mad I get at Him, He's still always by my side in all of it. No matter what I do, or how angry I get at Him (or how many times I inappropriately yell, scream, and even mildly curse at Him -- yes, I've done this and am not proud), His grace and love still have the ability to ultimately overcome. And that's what's amazing about Him. No matter what we do, no matter how we sin, no matter how many times we turn away from Him and try to take matters into our own hands... through our trusting in Jesus, He is still always there for us, with open arms - when we are ready to come back. He never leaves us (even when we try to push Him away -- again, I know this from personal experience), and His love and unfailing grace are everlasting.

Putting my faith and trust in Jesus has been the best and most amazing decision I've made in my life. Coming to know Him and His love for me has definitely transformed my life in countless ways... including helping me get through this craziness of infertility. In the end, I know God has a plan in all of this, and through it all is working to bring His plan into fruition.

Why is He allowing us to go through? Why have we been chosen to live this struggle? Where will this all go in the end? What will the ultimate outcome be?... To be honest, I can't say for sure. Because at this point, only He knows. But what I can say for sure is that God's hand is in it... and ultimately His plan will prevail.

I hold on strong to my faith that through God, all things are possible. It is possible for me to get pregnant. It is possible for us to have a baby (and hopefully two, or three, or however many God has planned for us). It is possible and I believe it will happen - in due time. In His time, not necessarily mine... so while I wait, what I'm called to do is to continue to have faith. Faith in the child/ children I know God has planned for us. Faith in the pregnancy I know I will experience. Faith in my amazing God.

I know He wants great things for me (and my husband... and all of us that trust in Jesus), so no matter how rough the road gets, I have to continue to fall back on this promise from Him...

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not evil, to give you a future and a hope." 
~Jeremiah 29:11~