When You're Walking Through the Darkness...

What do you do when you're walking through a time (or season) of darkness?  When you can't see the light ahead of you?  When you can't see the path that you're supposed to be on?  Not even a glimmer of it to help you continue to put one foot in front of the other?

How do you "keep moving forward" when the uncertainty seems to consume you?

When you're walking through the darkness, what do you do?... The answer is, you just keep walking.

You just keep putting one foot in front of the other, even when you can't clearly see your own feet... Because, this is really the only choice you have.

Infertility is hard. Like really hard. And it robs you of so much. It robs you of things you didn't even realize you could be robbed of in the first place. And it has the capacity to strip you of so many other things as well.

But again, all I can do is keep walking. Keep doing all that I can, whatever I can, to keep moving along. Keep putting one foot in front of the other... because unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), I can't let my whole life crumble before me. I can't just stop living. I won't.

Although at times it can (and will) bring me to my knees, make me feel like I can't keep going, and make me question my own ability to keep waking up every morning and even keep breathing, it cannot and will not have the ability to steal my entire life.

In some way, shape, or form, there is a way.

For me personally, that way is my faith. My trust in God. My strength that I receive from knowing my Savior Jesus Christ. The one who gives me the ability to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even in the midst of the most terrifying black darkness.

God is good, no matter what. And through everything, even through the most painfully, uncertain times, I know that He is still good. He is still in control. And I know that He has a plan for me (and us, including my husband) through all of this chaos.

My trust in God is unwavering and unbreakable. I mean, don't get me wrong, there are definitely times when it's tested and when it becomes a bit more difficult to hold on to, believe me there are. But no matter what, the bottom line is that it will never falter. It will never leave me... and God is the one who gives me this strength.

While this strong trust and faith in God doesn't make my life and my journey any less difficult, it does make it possible...

It makes me realize that no matter how thick the fog gets and how consuming the darkness may become, I'm not alone in it. I'm never alone. I have Him.

God is always walking with me... Always standing next to me... And sometimes perhaps even carrying me...

So at those moments when even I have to ask myself what to do when I'm walking through the darkness, I must always remember that the answer is: I just keep on walking... holding on to my true faith in whatever God's plan is for me, because no matter what, I know that plan, His plan, will always be good...

I Am Blessed

So I'm sitting here in Dr. M's waiting room, waiting to be called back for our IUI #4...

Apparently, it's a happenin' place today, as I sit here and watch countless women and men filter in and out for what I can only assume are all different types of appointments, consultations, blood draws, and procedures.

I feel good about today...

Dr. M said that all of my numbers looked good and things were right where he wanted them. I do think that he approached this cycle a little more conservatively than the last, given that I boarder line hyper-stimmed - so I do appreciate that. And after all, it only takes one good, solid little eggie to get the job done (and whole bunch of prayers, faith, trust - and some good swimmers).

As I sit here glancing around the nearly silent, yet packed waiting room, it's an odd reminder that we're not alone in this battle. Everyone else here is on their own journeys too. Albeit, we may all be in different stages and places along that journey, but the bottom line is that it helps serve as a reminder that the hubs and I are not the only ones going through this.

But I digress... Back to feeling good about today. Yes, that's what I want to focus on. I'm blessed to have my amazing husband by my side at this moment. I'm blessed to have wonderful family, friends, and even complete strangers praying for us today. And I'm blessed because I have the reassurance that no matter what happens, and what the outcome of this cycle is, I know that God is in control... and while it's still a daily (sometimes hourly) struggle, there's nothing that can help bring more peace than that.

I trust in you Lord... Here we go...

Learning to Wait...

Waiting, waiting, waiting... Has anyone in life figured out a successful way to wait? Patiently?

It's probably one of the hardest things to master. Lucky for me, I have infertility to thank for giving me the opportunity to practice this skill on a regularly, really a daily, basis.

If it's not the all-dreaded two week wait that we're "waiting for," then it's test results, or appointments, or news on when we can start our next cycle round of treatment, or answers for what the problem is, or... well, you get the picture.

As individuals who are living with infertility, both us women and even men, we have no choice but to learn how to wait... if that's even possible, to "learn." It seems that life these days is filled with nothing but the opportunity to wait. Wait for our drugs to work... Wait for our beta pregnancy tests... Wait for our families to finally grow. No matter what, there's waiting involved.

As I sit here on the crux of yet another session of waiting to come to an end, I can't help but reflect on really how often we are forced to exercise this skill in our daily lives. At this moment, I'm yet again at that cross-roads of waiting... To either find out if I'm pregnant (which I still always hold out hope for) or to start a new cycle and hopefully continue to move forward.

Simultaneously, if I do start a new cycle, then a new waiting game begins over the following few days as I wait to have my baseline ultrasound and blood work appointment, to then wait for the results of whether or not the two cysts on my right ovary have disappeared or shrunk enough to move forward.

Then, as you guessed it, the next waiting game begins... waiting to begin the injections, waiting for the injections to work, waiting for the IUI to be scheduled, and then waiting for that first beta blood test.

At this point in my journey, over two years in, I've learned to (mostly) come to terms with the waiting. I mean really, I have no choice. I've accepted that this is my new normal for the time being and the only thing I can do is turn to the one true thing that can get me through all the waiting... and that is my faith.

I know that all this waiting will be worth something in the end, it has to be. And for the time being, I can only believe that God is allowing me all this practice at waiting only to make me stronger - to allow me the opportunity to grow my faith - to teach me to TRUST in Him even more.

In the end, all the waiting will be completely overshadowed by my new, new normal - a family... and suddenly, it will all make sense. This I truly believe.

...Until then, I just keep practicing my "waiting" skills, with as much grace and faith as I can...

Crazy Eggs...

So although my craziness has seemed to subside and I've been able to gain back control of my mental and emotional state, apparently this level of crazy has found it's way into my ovaries.

What???

So after my baseline ultrasound and blood work that was done yesterday (Tues.) morning, I got a call from Dr. M's office saying that they wanted me to adjust my injectable meds. Initially, they had me on 75 units of both Follistim and Menopur (which I believe is one of the lowest dosages). I took that dosage for four days and then went in on the fifth day (which was Tues.) for my baseline.

As of yesterday morning, I had 8 follicles ranging from 14.4mm down to 8.5mm (6 on the right side and 2 on the left).  Obviously none of them were mature yet, but with having that many in the running, and my Estradiol level at 1,114 and lining at 9.1, Dr. M wanted me to only take 75 units of the Menopur and no Follistim - which I did last night.

Then it was back to the office bright and early this morning for another ultrasound and blood work.

This afternoon I then got a call from the nurse with my updated results from this morning. This time I had 10 follicles total, now ranging from 15.7mm to 8.4mm (still 6 on the right side and now 4 on the left).  Again, none of them are quite mature yet, but a few are getting close.  So, coupled with my Estradiol level going up to 1,709 and my lining being 9.7, they told me I'm now at-risk for hyper-stimulating.

ARRRGGGGHHHHH....

So frustrating!! One, I don't want to develop OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation disorder - which you can read more about here), because that would be no fun... and two, I don't want to have this cycle canceled. Not after all this. Not after getting to this point and finally picking back up with treatments again. Not after having to endure a round of craziness (which was no fun for me or those around me)... No, no no!!

I was ordered not to take any medications tonight and to once again go back in the morning for yet another round of ultrasound and blood work to see how things are progressing.

At this point, all I can do is pray and ask for prayers. I trust that all of this still continues to be in God's hands and that ultimately His will, will prevail. Until then though, I can only pray for the strength needed to continue to endure this trial and for the ability to have faith in whatever His plan is in all of this... and umm, to cross my fingers that some of these crazy little eggs slow their roll and stop growing.