The Power of Infertility

Infertility can change you.

Really, that's an understatement. It does change you... at your core. It has the capacity to inevitably rewrite so much about your life. About who you are. About how you see things. It has a strength that can become all consuming.

All of this starts out as the excitement for wanting to start (or grow) your family, but then slowly morphs into a desire... and then into a longing. A longing to be pregnant. A longing to have a baby. And before you know it, that longing can begin to take a painful turn.

It can become a nagging pain... and then an intense pain, that you seem to be reminded of often. Reminded of at many innocent moments when you're least expecting it. Those moments when you're driving down the street and a pregnant woman walking down the sidewalk catches your eye. The moment when your searching for a parking spot and excitedly begin to pull into an open one near the front, only to realize it's reserved for "Expectant Mothers." The moment when your colleagues begin talking about all their weekend plans with their children, and you are starkly reminded that you don't have any children... Or that awkward moment when someone asks you, "Oh, do you have kids?" and when you politely say no, they proceed to ask, "Do you want any?"...if they only knew...

If they only knew how badly I want a child. How much I'm struggling to try and have a child. How much I have gone through, and continue to go through, to have a child...

If they only knew that I think about not having a child, and about the child we had to loose, more times a day than can probably be counted...

If they only knew... then they might begin to have a glimpse into exactly the power that infertility can have, and how it can rob you of oh so much. It has a strength to begin to change the way you view the world around you, and yourself for that matter.

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All that we have gone through in our battle with infertility has definitely reshaped me at my core. It's changed the way I think, the way I feel, the things I see and notice, the things I do everyday... It's changed who I am.

But the beauty in all of this...

I still have a choice.

I can choose to let it break me, and tear me down... Or I can choose to keeping moving forward and embrace it.

Embrace it?

Yes, I have chosen to embrace (and accept) my infertility. Trust me though, it hasn't always been easy, and it's undoubtedly been a long and arduous road to get here (and truthfully, I'm probably not even here on some days).

But as I look back to the early days of this journey, I'm reminded of where I started -- of the woman I was almost 3 years ago, who was in complete denial of the dreaded word: INFERTILITY. I not only didn't want to accept it, I whole-heatedly refused to accept it. It wasn't me and I didn't want any part of it.

But that's the thing about life - no matter how hard or how much we try to ignore reality, it's still there... and it will continue to be there until the moment we're ready to turn around and face it.

So that's what I did and that's what I choose to continue to do. I've accepted that this is our reality, and now I'm learning to embrace this path we've been set on. There's no sense in denying it or fighting it, or trying to refuse the reality of it... it just is.

At every moment, I have the choice to embrace or the choice to deny... I chose to embrace. And as I embrace, I continue to fight and look forward. Fight for the family I know we will have one day. Fight for the memory of the little peanut we had to say good-bye to. Fight through all that it continues to take to one day grow our family... and look forward to the moment when that comes to fruition.

As I continue to fight and look forward, I just have to focus on those things around me that I can draw strength from. My amazing husband who has been and continues to be my rock... and really, the one person who can understand exactly what this journey is. Our supportive family and friends, who continue to fight with us.., cheer during our celebrations and cry with us during our heartaches.  And most importantly, the foundation upon which I'm able to stand while going through all of this: my faith... and trust in Jesus.

In fact, my faith even reminds me of the promise that good can actually come, even out of the most difficult of circumstances, because God always does have a purpose... and although I may not be able to clearly see exactly what that purpose is right at this moment, I still know it to be true.

Even "in oceans deep, my faith will stand"... And that, is the one thing that I continue to hold on to through all of this...

When You're Walking Through the Darkness...

What do you do when you're walking through a time (or season) of darkness?  When you can't see the light ahead of you?  When you can't see the path that you're supposed to be on?  Not even a glimmer of it to help you continue to put one foot in front of the other?

How do you "keep moving forward" when the uncertainty seems to consume you?

When you're walking through the darkness, what do you do?... The answer is, you just keep walking.

You just keep putting one foot in front of the other, even when you can't clearly see your own feet... Because, this is really the only choice you have.

Infertility is hard. Like really hard. And it robs you of so much. It robs you of things you didn't even realize you could be robbed of in the first place. And it has the capacity to strip you of so many other things as well.

But again, all I can do is keep walking. Keep doing all that I can, whatever I can, to keep moving along. Keep putting one foot in front of the other... because unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), I can't let my whole life crumble before me. I can't just stop living. I won't.

Although at times it can (and will) bring me to my knees, make me feel like I can't keep going, and make me question my own ability to keep waking up every morning and even keep breathing, it cannot and will not have the ability to steal my entire life.

In some way, shape, or form, there is a way.

For me personally, that way is my faith. My trust in God. My strength that I receive from knowing my Savior Jesus Christ. The one who gives me the ability to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even in the midst of the most terrifying black darkness.

God is good, no matter what. And through everything, even through the most painfully, uncertain times, I know that He is still good. He is still in control. And I know that He has a plan for me (and us, including my husband) through all of this chaos.

My trust in God is unwavering and unbreakable. I mean, don't get me wrong, there are definitely times when it's tested and when it becomes a bit more difficult to hold on to, believe me there are. But no matter what, the bottom line is that it will never falter. It will never leave me... and God is the one who gives me this strength.

While this strong trust and faith in God doesn't make my life and my journey any less difficult, it does make it possible...

It makes me realize that no matter how thick the fog gets and how consuming the darkness may become, I'm not alone in it. I'm never alone. I have Him.

God is always walking with me... Always standing next to me... And sometimes perhaps even carrying me...

So at those moments when even I have to ask myself what to do when I'm walking through the darkness, I must always remember that the answer is: I just keep on walking... holding on to my true faith in whatever God's plan is for me, because no matter what, I know that plan, His plan, will always be good...

Learning to Wait...

Waiting, waiting, waiting... Has anyone in life figured out a successful way to wait? Patiently?

It's probably one of the hardest things to master. Lucky for me, I have infertility to thank for giving me the opportunity to practice this skill on a regularly, really a daily, basis.

If it's not the all-dreaded two week wait that we're "waiting for," then it's test results, or appointments, or news on when we can start our next cycle round of treatment, or answers for what the problem is, or... well, you get the picture.

As individuals who are living with infertility, both us women and even men, we have no choice but to learn how to wait... if that's even possible, to "learn." It seems that life these days is filled with nothing but the opportunity to wait. Wait for our drugs to work... Wait for our beta pregnancy tests... Wait for our families to finally grow. No matter what, there's waiting involved.

As I sit here on the crux of yet another session of waiting to come to an end, I can't help but reflect on really how often we are forced to exercise this skill in our daily lives. At this moment, I'm yet again at that cross-roads of waiting... To either find out if I'm pregnant (which I still always hold out hope for) or to start a new cycle and hopefully continue to move forward.

Simultaneously, if I do start a new cycle, then a new waiting game begins over the following few days as I wait to have my baseline ultrasound and blood work appointment, to then wait for the results of whether or not the two cysts on my right ovary have disappeared or shrunk enough to move forward.

Then, as you guessed it, the next waiting game begins... waiting to begin the injections, waiting for the injections to work, waiting for the IUI to be scheduled, and then waiting for that first beta blood test.

At this point in my journey, over two years in, I've learned to (mostly) come to terms with the waiting. I mean really, I have no choice. I've accepted that this is my new normal for the time being and the only thing I can do is turn to the one true thing that can get me through all the waiting... and that is my faith.

I know that all this waiting will be worth something in the end, it has to be. And for the time being, I can only believe that God is allowing me all this practice at waiting only to make me stronger - to allow me the opportunity to grow my faith - to teach me to TRUST in Him even more.

In the end, all the waiting will be completely overshadowed by my new, new normal - a family... and suddenly, it will all make sense. This I truly believe.

...Until then, I just keep practicing my "waiting" skills, with as much grace and faith as I can...

Faith Through The Trials and Rough Roads

My faith truly is the main thing that gives me strength through this entire journey through infertility. Being able to trust in God and turn to Him during the most difficult and trying times, and even during the small celebrations, is the rock upon which I can stand.

At times, however, it can become easy to overlook and forget about this never-failing support from Him. Getting wrapped up in all of the daily tracking, charting, appointments... and hoping, wishing, watching for any sign that this month might be the month can quickly consume all of you. It's easy in those happy celebratory moments to thank God for the victory, but it's during those most difficult, disappointing instances when your true faith is tested.

Now don't get me wrong, having this faith and trust in God doesn't make any of this easy by any means, because it's still not easy. In fact, it's probably one of the most difficult things that I've been through in my life thus far. But what my faith does do is make it possible for me to continue to get through these trials.

There have been plenty of times that I've questioned God and His plan, been frustrated with it since it clearly isn't aligned with my plan, and even been times when I've been flat out angry and livid with what He's allowing me to go through. But ultimately, I'm still somehow always able to come back to a place of peace knowing that no matter what, and no matter how mad I get at Him, He's still always by my side in all of it. No matter what I do, or how angry I get at Him (or how many times I inappropriately yell, scream, and even mildly curse at Him -- yes, I've done this and am not proud), His grace and love still have the ability to ultimately overcome. And that's what's amazing about Him. No matter what we do, no matter how we sin, no matter how many times we turn away from Him and try to take matters into our own hands... through our trusting in Jesus, He is still always there for us, with open arms - when we are ready to come back. He never leaves us (even when we try to push Him away -- again, I know this from personal experience), and His love and unfailing grace are everlasting.

Putting my faith and trust in Jesus has been the best and most amazing decision I've made in my life. Coming to know Him and His love for me has definitely transformed my life in countless ways... including helping me get through this craziness of infertility. In the end, I know God has a plan in all of this, and through it all is working to bring His plan into fruition.

Why is He allowing us to go through? Why have we been chosen to live this struggle? Where will this all go in the end? What will the ultimate outcome be?... To be honest, I can't say for sure. Because at this point, only He knows. But what I can say for sure is that God's hand is in it... and ultimately His plan will prevail.

I hold on strong to my faith that through God, all things are possible. It is possible for me to get pregnant. It is possible for us to have a baby (and hopefully two, or three, or however many God has planned for us). It is possible and I believe it will happen - in due time. In His time, not necessarily mine... so while I wait, what I'm called to do is to continue to have faith. Faith in the child/ children I know God has planned for us. Faith in the pregnancy I know I will experience. Faith in my amazing God.

I know He wants great things for me (and my husband... and all of us that trust in Jesus), so no matter how rough the road gets, I have to continue to fall back on this promise from Him...

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not evil, to give you a future and a hope." 
~Jeremiah 29:11~