I Am Blessed

So I'm sitting here in Dr. M's waiting room, waiting to be called back for our IUI #4...

Apparently, it's a happenin' place today, as I sit here and watch countless women and men filter in and out for what I can only assume are all different types of appointments, consultations, blood draws, and procedures.

I feel good about today...

Dr. M said that all of my numbers looked good and things were right where he wanted them. I do think that he approached this cycle a little more conservatively than the last, given that I boarder line hyper-stimmed - so I do appreciate that. And after all, it only takes one good, solid little eggie to get the job done (and whole bunch of prayers, faith, trust - and some good swimmers).

As I sit here glancing around the nearly silent, yet packed waiting room, it's an odd reminder that we're not alone in this battle. Everyone else here is on their own journeys too. Albeit, we may all be in different stages and places along that journey, but the bottom line is that it helps serve as a reminder that the hubs and I are not the only ones going through this.

But I digress... Back to feeling good about today. Yes, that's what I want to focus on. I'm blessed to have my amazing husband by my side at this moment. I'm blessed to have wonderful family, friends, and even complete strangers praying for us today. And I'm blessed because I have the reassurance that no matter what happens, and what the outcome of this cycle is, I know that God is in control... and while it's still a daily (sometimes hourly) struggle, there's nothing that can help bring more peace than that.

I trust in you Lord... Here we go...

Crazy Eggs...

So although my craziness has seemed to subside and I've been able to gain back control of my mental and emotional state, apparently this level of crazy has found it's way into my ovaries.

What???

So after my baseline ultrasound and blood work that was done yesterday (Tues.) morning, I got a call from Dr. M's office saying that they wanted me to adjust my injectable meds. Initially, they had me on 75 units of both Follistim and Menopur (which I believe is one of the lowest dosages). I took that dosage for four days and then went in on the fifth day (which was Tues.) for my baseline.

As of yesterday morning, I had 8 follicles ranging from 14.4mm down to 8.5mm (6 on the right side and 2 on the left).  Obviously none of them were mature yet, but with having that many in the running, and my Estradiol level at 1,114 and lining at 9.1, Dr. M wanted me to only take 75 units of the Menopur and no Follistim - which I did last night.

Then it was back to the office bright and early this morning for another ultrasound and blood work.

This afternoon I then got a call from the nurse with my updated results from this morning. This time I had 10 follicles total, now ranging from 15.7mm to 8.4mm (still 6 on the right side and now 4 on the left).  Again, none of them are quite mature yet, but a few are getting close.  So, coupled with my Estradiol level going up to 1,709 and my lining being 9.7, they told me I'm now at-risk for hyper-stimulating.

ARRRGGGGHHHHH....

So frustrating!! One, I don't want to develop OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation disorder - which you can read more about here), because that would be no fun... and two, I don't want to have this cycle canceled. Not after all this. Not after getting to this point and finally picking back up with treatments again. Not after having to endure a round of craziness (which was no fun for me or those around me)... No, no no!!

I was ordered not to take any medications tonight and to once again go back in the morning for yet another round of ultrasound and blood work to see how things are progressing.

At this point, all I can do is pray and ask for prayers. I trust that all of this still continues to be in God's hands and that ultimately His will, will prevail. Until then though, I can only pray for the strength needed to continue to endure this trial and for the ability to have faith in whatever His plan is in all of this... and umm, to cross my fingers that some of these crazy little eggs slow their roll and stop growing.

Insecurities, Shots, and Dog Days of Summer

I mentioned in my last post how I've been struggling with getting myself fit and in shape while preparing to adhere to the strict "no high impact exercise" orders from Dr. M's office, once I start the injectable cycle. As a result, I've lost my ability to engage in my number one preferred exercise and stress reliever: running... and have struggled to get myself back into shape, which has fueled some major insecurities for me.

So I've worked hard over the past few days to try and get myself back to being leveled headed and not letting these insecure thoughts and feelings (about everything) take over my sanity... and my marriage (my poor husband - he loves me so much though, even when I'm a crazy person).

Without jinxing myself, I feel like I've turned a new leaf and am over this ridiculous insecurity beast that blind-sided me.

Although I'm still emotional as ever and literary cry at everything. I mean everything, good and bad... including stuff that has no reason to make me cry. Like my brother sending me a picture of Niagara Falls, where him and his family are on vacation right now. Yup, I cried at that. Because it was gorgeous. And because I was happy that my nieces got to see it. Yup. I did. I balled my eyes out.

I told you - - straight crazy.

Anyways, on another fun note, I had my baseline ultrasound and blood work done on Friday morning and then heard back from Dr. M's office that I was to start my injections that night - so I did! And here I am on Day 4 of my shots.

How are they you ask? Oh just lovely... NOT. They hurt. The needle itself is no big deal. I've never been one who's afraid of needles, so I handle that part just fine. It's the darn medicine, Menopur specifically, that kicks my butt. Every time.

I'm on a combo of Follistim and Menopur, that I have to mix together, well really my husband does the mixing. And the injecting - he's seriously the best, did I mention that already? :) So luckily it's just one injection total, but that Menopur, woooooo, that stuff stings and burns like an evil-doer, starting about 3secs. into the injection and then for about 10min. afterward.

I was given the option of injecting into my stomach, outer upper thigh, or back of arm/ tricep area. The first time, I apprehensively choose to do it in my stomach.

Here I am getting ready for the first shot...

To be honest, after all was said and done, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I did squeal a little bit, if you want to call it that - but all in all, not so bad.

Thumbs up to me for taking it like a champ (minus the minor squealing of course).

So of course me being me, the following nights I had to try all three injection spots to see which I liked the best.

And the verdict is...

My stomach. I think?

I did my stomach the first night and it wasn't horrible. Did my thigh the next night and it was horrible. Then did my arm last night and it was even more horrible. So tonight, it's back to the stomach to see if it was as great as I remembered... wish me luck.

Tomorrow it's back in for another ultrasound and blood work to see how I'm responding and then we go from there. I'm being very positive about all of this (opposite of how I was just a few days ago), so just continuing to look forward ahead.

Other than that, today was one of our pup's birthdays! Happy Birthday Payton! He turned the big 3 today, so of course we had to get him a cake. I mean, duh, how else would you celebrate a pittie's 3rd birthday?

Here he is enjoying his peanut butter flavored cake from his favorite bakery nearby...

He was also nice enough to share a slice with his fur-brother Jax, even though Jax had his own goodie from the bakery (a cookie!) - such brotherly love.








And to end this fabulous weekend with amazing weather, our other pup Jax got to play in his pool for awhile (Payton hates water)...

All in all, although it started off rough with some major craziness, this weekend turned out to be great... and now I'm focusing ahead on this cycle and looking forward to what I know God has in store for us.

All Aboard the Crazy Train

So apparently I jumped on the crazy train yesterday and I haven't even started the hormones yet...

I think my emotions have been eluding me lately while secretly piling up and waiting for the imperfectly perfect moment to rear their ugly head - - and let me tell you, last night was the night.

Everything started out just fine (isn't that how it always goes?), until I decided to freak out on my husband as we were getting ready for bed and be not so nice to him... And for what reason, you ask? Well, good question. I'm still not actually sure :( 

Then that turned into me storming away to go downstairs and progressed into me crying about how I can't handle my life right now, am exhausted and over whelmed, hate my body and the way I look (more on that in a minute), and am not looking forward to starting these injectables because 'they're not going to work anyways' - yea, apparently I'm in a pretty negative space and didn't even realize it. 

Yikes.

Honestly though, I think last night was unfortunately just the perfect storm of everything that is stressful in my life coming to a head. Work has been absolutely crazy for me over the past two months and will continue to be over the next couple of weeks until I'm officially done for the summer. 

Typically, as in years past, the last week or two of my school year winds down pretty well and I usually find myself with plenty of unscheduled moments where I can do things like start developing coaching plans for the districts I work with, as well as organize my desk, files, and resources - you know, stuff that there's really never time for during the year. But this year for some reason, my schedule is jammed pack, literally to the minute, with meetings so there's been no time to even catch my breath.

Layer on grad. school that I've started again, as well as a million other little things and I've been riding on like 4-5 hours of sleep per night, for the past 4 nights. And no sleep alone can make you get on the crazy train...

The other thing that's apparently been bubbling, but that I was kind of unaware of until last night, was how unhappy I am with body at the moment. I'm typically a runner and that's been my main method of de-stressing when it comes to working out and exercising for a long time. 

However, in knowing that we were going to be starting these injectable cycles, from what I've researched and from explicit instructions from Dr. M's office, I knew that once I started I would have a restriction on high impact exercises... which means no running. 

So to prepare myself, since I knew that was going to be a big transition, I started taking up walking 3-4 miles a day, as well as continuing with my pilates, yoga, and weight training.

Well unfortunately, because of this switch, I haven't been able to get back to (or even anywhere close to) my typical summer in-shape self. That coupled with apparently hitting the age range where a random, impulse Snickers bar at 8pm (yes, poor choice, I know) takes about 2 months to undo instead of 2 days, has left me with a body I'm not used to having.

Now look, I'm not trying to come off as one of those dramatic people who want to complain about their weight and just want to look good while not wanting to do anything about it - - but this is new territory for me. I've always been able to kick start myself back up when I realize I haven't been eating the healthiest and have been slacking on working out. But that isn't the case this time.

In fact, overall I've probably been eating the healthiest that I have in my entire life (ok, ok, with the exception of the occasional bad choices) and I've been exercising regularly for the past few months... yet I'm still at my heaviest weight in yeeeeeeeears, many of my clothes fit much tighter (some not even at all), and my body just doesn't carry the extra pounds as well as it used to - and apparently REFUSES to let me take them off. Not matter what I do.

I've never done as much as I'm doing now and still struggled like this to try and get fit, so this new and super frustrating and difficult territory for me. Plus, not having one of my usual methods of de-stressing.

I've also been super emotional about babies and pregnancy stuff lately. I mean, all of us going through infertility know that this is a constant battle, but for the most part, I've actually been in a really good place for awhile now and have not had to struggle much with these feelings like I used to.

Well - I guess that's changed too and many of those emotions have blinded-sided me lately... causing me to cry on the drop of dime, often out of no where. Not fun.

All of this and I haven't even start the hormones yet... awesome.

Maybe I need therapy.

Maybe retail therapy?... 

Yea, I think I need a new bag this weekend... I'm sure that will help.