I Am Blessed

So I'm sitting here in Dr. M's waiting room, waiting to be called back for our IUI #4...

Apparently, it's a happenin' place today, as I sit here and watch countless women and men filter in and out for what I can only assume are all different types of appointments, consultations, blood draws, and procedures.

I feel good about today...

Dr. M said that all of my numbers looked good and things were right where he wanted them. I do think that he approached this cycle a little more conservatively than the last, given that I boarder line hyper-stimmed - so I do appreciate that. And after all, it only takes one good, solid little eggie to get the job done (and whole bunch of prayers, faith, trust - and some good swimmers).

As I sit here glancing around the nearly silent, yet packed waiting room, it's an odd reminder that we're not alone in this battle. Everyone else here is on their own journeys too. Albeit, we may all be in different stages and places along that journey, but the bottom line is that it helps serve as a reminder that the hubs and I are not the only ones going through this.

But I digress... Back to feeling good about today. Yes, that's what I want to focus on. I'm blessed to have my amazing husband by my side at this moment. I'm blessed to have wonderful family, friends, and even complete strangers praying for us today. And I'm blessed because I have the reassurance that no matter what happens, and what the outcome of this cycle is, I know that God is in control... and while it's still a daily (sometimes hourly) struggle, there's nothing that can help bring more peace than that.

I trust in you Lord... Here we go...

Pulling the Trigger-Shot

There I was, bright and early this morning, sitting in the waiting room at Dr. M's office - just like I had for the past 3 days. And today was no different.  I was back for yet another ultrasound and blood work to see where we were at and determine if I had gone too far past the brink of hyper-stimming.

As the ultrasound tech. called me back, we both kind of looked at each other and chuckled as she said good morning and "good to see you again"... I then made a comment about how it's like deja vu all over again because we keep getting to see each other every morning.

The ultrasound was routine and after it was done, the tech. was getting ready to walk out of the room, and said, "Not sure if you will be back tomorrow, but if so I won't be at this office so good luck!" I smiled and said thank you so much to her, secretly hoping that I would not have to be back yet again tomorrow... and then I went to get my blood drawn.

From there is was the infamous waiting game for the phone call to hear my fate about this cycle.

As I sat in a planning meeting at work earlier today with my boss, my boss' boss, the director of HR, and a few other administrators and colleagues, I kept eyeing my phone waiting for the call to come so that I could briefly step out and take it. But in true fashion, of course when the call came in, we were in the midst of an important discussion that I couldn't quite step away from at that moment, so I had to let it go to voicemail.

At this point, I'm dying to just hear what was on that voicemail... but had to wait another hour until our meeting was over.

As soon as it was I ran to car, settled in with my pen in hand and the little note pad that I've been using to jot down my results over the past few days, and let the message roll...

"Hi Tiffanie, this is Kristen from Dr. M's office and I was just calling with your results from earlier today." She then went on to rattle off all of my numbers. As of this morning, I had 15 total follicles (9 on the right and 6 on the left)... ranging in size from 17.8 mm down to 9.1 mm. My Estradiol was now at 2,281 and my lining was up to 10.2 mm.

And then, it was the moment of truth. I fully expected and quickly prepared myself that with those numbers the whole thing would be called off... She went on to say, "So with that being said, Dr. M wants you to go ahead and take the HCG trigger shot tonight and come in on Sat. morning for the IUI."

Whaaaat?!?

Praise God!! All the prayers worked and we are officially moving forward with this cycle! I couldn't believe it, but was so so happy! Seriously, thank God!

Shortly here, I will be taking the trigger shot and then looking forward to Saturday.

Seriously, thank you so much to all who have been praying for us - it means the world! And all goes to show that in the end, even during the rough patches and trialing times, God is good! Of course, none of this guarantees a pregnancy, but that's besides the point at this moment. To me it's just a small (well, pretty big actually) reassurance that God is still in control and that all things will work for His glory and good... So here's to a prayerful thank you to the Lord, and to all who have been praying and sending positive thoughts and love.

From here on out, it's still one step at a time, but the small victories are always worth celebrating...

On-wards and Upwards

It's been awhile since I last updated, so I apologize. Life has been a little crazy lately. As an educator, those that are fellow educators know that this time of year can be, well, NUTS! In addition, I recently went back to graduate school for a second round, so that's added some additional craziness to my plate. But enough of that... It's time for a much needed update on my infertile life :)

As a quick recap, we decided to take a little hiatus from medical fertility treatments for a couple of months - for various reasons. During this break I've been working hard to really focus on some more natural approaches to helping increase fertility... such as exercise (pilates and yoga for fertility), self-fertility massage, and eating as clean and as healthy as I can. After a couple of months, while I can't say that I'm pregnant just yet, I can however say that I do believe these things have definitely helped and increased my fertility, in various ways... and have made me much healthier (and more aware of what I'm putting into my body) in the process!

I've worked hard to cut most processed foods, white refined sugars, caffeine, and other toxins (by eating about 80-90% organic) out of my diet and rid my body of the negative effects they all have, not only on my health, but more specifically on my fertility.

So where do things go from here, you ask?

Well, we're actually ready to go back to fertility treatments (that is of course, unless this month happens to be 'the month' - I will never loose hope!) and we're gearing up for our next step of the plan, which consists of drum-roll please:...NEEDLES! Yup, for this next cycle we (I, really) will be taking daily gonadotropin injections and then we'll have IUI number 3 scheduled.

Yesterday, we actually had our appointment with one of the nurses at Dr. M's office to have our 2-hour "training session" to go over all that basics and nitty gritty of doing the self-injections.

Looks like I have TONS of fun ahead of me here in the near future.

But really though, in a weird way I'm actually kind of excited to start this next phase. I mean, I'm not necessarily jumping out of my chair to start injecting myself (or have the hubs do so) on a daily basis, but I'm definitely looking forward to the hopeful possibility that this next phase represents. I'm so happy that we took a couple of months to just breathe and re-set ourselves, as well as focus on getting even healthier... and now I'm ready to go back in for round whatever we're technically on (three, four?).

So that's that really... Still loving my green smoothies and juice. Still pilat-ing and massaging my way to a baby. And oddly enough, looking forward to apparently beginning to stick needles into myself on a regular basis. Life's awesome! Really, it is!... That wasn't sarcastic!! :)

I Need a Break...

After that last "Cruel Trick" it was back to square one again, and onto the next cycle. The plan was the same as before: a medicated cycle on Clomid with an IUI. So a couple weeks in, I was back to the office for blood work and another ultrasound scan to check the size of the follicles and determine when the hCG trigger should be given. Well, here we go with more bad news... Apparently I had a "non-response" to the Clomid and didn't have any follicles of decent size. Only one small one. Well, this sucks... I've never had any issues ovulating, like ever. And here I am taking medication to strengthen and increase something that's not really even broken in the first place, and it has the opposite effect. Awesome. So, the nurse sent me on my way and told me to come back on Monday morning (this was a Friday) to see if at least that one follicle has grown some. At this point, I already knew this cycle was going to be a bust, but still tried to be positive. Low and behold, I ended up ovulating on my own at some point over the weekend (obviously, probably with an immature follicle), so even though we tried to take matters into our own hands and time things up well, no dice. AF (Aunt Flow) showed up right on time that month to scream, "YOU SUCK" - Another failed cycle.

A couple weeks later, the Groundhog Day movie that was quickly becoming our reality started all over again as we tried for round three. Third time's a charm, right? Back to the office. Back to the ultrasound scans. Back to the Clomid (this time it worked!). Back to the hCG trigger shot (in the "tail-feather" this time might I add, as I learned from my first rodeo back in this post). And back to another "Romantic" Baby Dance in a doctor's office. Then, time to embark again into the dark abyss of the 2WW... always a fun time to try and keep your sanity and not completely loose all rational abilities (ha, yea right, like that's really possible).

At the end of that torture, on the morning of March 4th, I scurry my way into the doctor's office (frantically having to leave work for a bit in the midst of hosting a huge conference) for my Beta Blood Pregnancy Test... and later that day when I get the oh so personal voicemail: Drum roll please...

BIG.FAT.NEGATIVE... Awesome...

Third Time's a Charm?... How about Three Strikes You're Out!

And now my friends we're fully caught up to speed in this circus act of infertility that has become my life ... aaaaaaaaaand, I.NEED.A.BREAK.

Done for now and taking this cycle off... Oh my goodness, I can feel the relief of pressure already. I just want to have a sliver of my normal life back, even for just a brief moment. To remember what it feels like to not have to wake up to my 6:04am alarm (yes, I'm weird and cannot set alarms ending in :05 or :00) to shove a thermometer in my mouth. To not have to obsessively stalk my own Fertility Friend app. To not have to become best friends with Clomid, hCG shots, or progesterone inserts. To not have to (unintentionally) be aware of every single freaking twinge, pinch, pain, and weird feeling (seriously, I can't even successful ignore this stuff when I try). To not have to try and make a baby with my husband through a catheter in a doctor's office. To not have to live in a doctor's office every few days. To not have to know exactly what day of my cycle it is and what I potentially should be feeling/ seeing on that day if I were to be pregnant this month. To not have to anxiously stare at my phone and wait for those dreaded calls with "results" from the nurse. To not have to accept the reality of my infertility... just for a brief moment.

But let's be real, even though we're technically "taking this cycle off" and not going the medical intervention route (man there's a part of me that feels guilty about this though), as if I'm really not going to still obsess about some of these things. Truth is, we're still obviously going to "try," so many of these things have just become second nature to me. I couldn't get away from them if I tried. Apparently, this is my "new normal"... and you know what, for the most part (and on most days), I've just accepted it and learned to try and take it in strides, with grace. After all, God has a plan in all of this, right? He's got to. I just need to hang on for the ride, learn and grow however I can, and keep looking forward... At least this month I don't have to drop my pants and bend over for a shot... I win.

Cruel Tricks

To recap, waiting for a possible Christmas miracle (aka: to find out if our IUI had worked) was more than sheer torture. Anyone who is TTC, and especially those who are struggling through infertility, know the agony that exists during the time after ovulation and before either getting a positive pregnancy test or getting your period... this time is also known as the "2 week wait" (2WW). Well, long story short, exactly 2 weeks after our first IUI (which was done on Christmas Eve), I went in that morning for my Beta Blood Pregnancy Test. From there, of course it was another waiting game throughout the day while anticipating the call from the office to find out if the test was positive (or negative for that matter). Of course after starring at my phone all day, the moment I step away, I miss it. Onto to listening to the voicemail it is... "Hello Tiffanie... we are calling in regards to the results of your pregnancy test from earlier this morning. The office closes in about 15min. so if you could please give us a call back right away."... Uhhh, half way through the message I thought, "ok, this is weird, please just get to the point - it's either positive or negative, right? How hard can it be to just give me a straight answer?"... Well, as you think I would have learned by now, apparently life's not always black and white, nor are pregnancy tests - as I had to learn the hard way.

The rest of the message went on to explain that when HCG levels are tested during a pregnancy test, anything over 25 is a confirmed positive and anything below a 5 is a confirmed negative. So for me, of course, of course I had to find my way into the freakin' gray area. My HCG level was at 8.5 and my progesterone was low, so they wanted me to double up on the progesterone suppositories that day and then come back for another blood test in the morning to, "...see if they can figure out what's going on." Really?! Are you kidding me?!? Come on, how hard does this have to be on us? It's like a cruel trick being played. Having a confirmed negative would have been hard enough, but to have this tiny, minuscule glimmer of hope (even though I knew in my heart that it wasn't going to be positive) was simply an inhuman, heart-wrenching joke that wasn't humorous. God, why are you doing this to us??? We're barely surviving this trial as it is, why does it have to be taken to this level? So, for the next 24hrs, my husband and I had to live in yet another, even more devastatingly difficult state of "not knowing."

Long story short, the test came back negative the next morning. They think it was just trace levels of the HGC left in my system from the trigger shot. So again, it all seemed to be just a cruel joke designed to make this whole fiasco of a journey even more difficult... Well, it's not funny... and I'm not laughing...

A "Romantic" Baby-Dance

So thus far, I've tried to spare some of the more potentially personal details of this whole circus act, but in this post I tread lightly no more. Therefore, if you're not interested in some of the more personal details of our "adventure" (yea, that's an interesting word for it), then I suggest you pass on this one. For everyone else, let's embark on the oh-so-romantic baby dance of an IUI...

Here we go...

After the surgery and recovery period, the next step of our treatment plan was to do 2-3 medicated cycles on Clomid (a medication that helps stimulate ovulation) paired with an IUI (intrauterine insemination). Here's where the real fun began. An IUI is basically a procedure where sperm is taken from the male, and "processed" through a washing technique to basically remove everything but the sperm itself... then injected through a long catheter directly into the woman's uterus. The point is to time it all up perfectly and get the sperm stationed in place at the moment ovulation occurs. Often, an IUI is used when male factor's are a variable contributing to infertility, such as when sperm count is low, they don't live long, and/or have difficulty swimming. For us however, none of these factors were true. In fact, my husband's guys are rock-stars with no trouble at all (so I'm sure they're beyond frustrated with my apparently broken eggs at this point - seriously, sorry guys). Anyways, all in all it's quite the process. Of course, no where near as invasive as IVF, but still medically involved.

The IUI process starts with an internal ultrasound (yup, imaging wand up the whoohaa) to make sure there are no cysts or other concerns on the ovaries, and once you get the ok you can start on the Clomid (for me, it was 50mg once a day for Days 5-9 of the cycle). Then, starting on Day 11 I had to begin using an OPK (ovulation predictor kit) to test for the LH surge (a hormone that typically surges about 24 hrs. before ovulation). Within a day or two, I was right back into the office for blood work and another internal ultrasound to monitor the size and growth of the follicles (aka: small little sacs in which the eggs grow in). My doctor is very particular in closely monitoring the growth and number of follicles throughout the process (because he obviously doesn't want to be responsible for creating the next octo-mom - I'm thankful for this) and because if the follicles aren't responding well to the Clomid, the cycle will be a bust and the IUI basically pointless.

At this point, everything looked good. I had two follicles of decent size and all my other hormone levels were good according to the blood work. So it was time for the HCG trigger shot (given to trigger ovulation within the next 24-36 hrs.). For the trigger shot, I had two choices: in my stomach or butt... ohhh, this is a fun choice. Let's be conservative and not have to drop my pants and bend over (really though, like I had any modesty left at this point after all the poking and prodding), but I decided to go with the stomach option. Well, piss-poor choice on my part. For the next 3 days, anytime anything remotely touched my injection sight, it didn't feel good. Seat belt strap in the car, waistband of my pants, bending over and putting even the slightest pressure on my abdomen all caused pain. But, suck it up Tiff, you want a baby, right? I'm sure many women prefer the injection in the stomach, but note to self: If there's a next time, let's try the tail-feather.

The next day was the day, on Christmas Eve might I add (well this is a fun way to start the holiday season).

Ok, so I know I've said this before, but honestly this time it's true - here's where the real fun began. Step 1: collect the sample from my husband. Although this wasn't our first rodeo of this (since he had to initially have an analysis done), the stakes seemed much higher this time around. We chose the "at home collection" option - seemed a bit more personal than a sterile doctor's office, but still an awkward situation all around. Then frantically rushed over to the doctor's office since the sample had to be delivered within an hour (and the office was about 45min away), collection cup in my husband's waist band to keep his guys at body temperature. Once there, it took about 45min.-1hr. for them to process his sample and then they called us back for the procedure (soooo grateful that my husband was able to be there with me through the entire thing). Step 2: After some initial minor difficulties with the catheter, the procedure was done and all in all took literally 2-3min. I then had to lay there for about 10min. before going home. Once the nurse stepped out of the room, my husband came over, grabbed my hand, and we looked at each other and said, "let's make a baby" (yes, this is exactly how I imagined it being the day we conceived our little bun). Step 3: From there I was ordered to start progesterone inserts once a day for the next 2 weeks (yes, the dreaded 2WW - 2 week wait), and let me tell you the fun these things were... actually, I won't. I'll spare you the graphic details, but say that thankfully I didn't have the adverse reactions to progesterone itself that some women have, but still lived in a state of constant uncomfortable-ness for the next two weeks. Again, anything for a baby, right?

Then it was living through the torturous waiting game to find out whether or not we had successfully conceived a Christmas miracle... Come on little eggs, please hatch this time around...

Looking Back and Trying to Find the Why

Another blow of devastatingly negative news came yesterday afternoon (another failed IUI, but more on that at another time), again causing me to reflect back on the journey of where my husband and I started... and the determination of where to go next. Let me back up for a moment though. Our journey of "trying to conceive" (TTC) started almost 2 years ago.  To this day, I still distinctly remember the rush of excitement when we finally both agreed to start "trying." The rush of emotion that comes from the unknown, from the "wow, we're really doing this," and from the exciting thought of what could soon be still lingers in the back of my mind. However, all of those feelings slowly, but surely started to turn into what I often described as my worst nightmare. At first, as the reality slowly started to set in that we were beginning to approach the 6 month, 7 month, 8 and 9 month mark of still not being pregnant, I still refused to accept the reality that we were potentially becoming "that couple" who couldn't get pregnant. I refused to accept the fact that we may be on the brink of facing the dreaded-word: i-n-f-e-r-t-i-l-i-t-y. I kept my hope and held onto my strong faith that "when the time was right, it would happen." Well, low and behold, almost 2 years later that time still hasn't come. In the moment when we stood face to face with our arrival upon the finite 1-year mark of unsuccessfully TTC, it became official - we were facing what the medical profession diagnoses as "infertility." The one and only positive thing about that (and I use the term "positive" very lightly) is that it opened the door to being able to see a fertility specialist. However, although we had reached this point, I still held on tight to my denial and bucked hard against even making an appointment. Truly, I just didn't want to be "that couple". Reluctantly, I did make an appointment though...

Fast forward two or so months worth of intrusive (and I mean INTRUSIVE), uncomfortable, diagnostic testing to try and determine the cause of our infertility. Throughout the diagnostic process, I couldn't seem to shake the statistics from the back of my mind: approximately 40% of the time the medical cause lies within the woman; 40% of the time within the man; and 20% of the time is unexplained. WHAT?! Unexplained?? Are you serious?? How does anything in our day and age of medical advancements, diagnostic testing, and high-tech. medical exploration even remain "unexplained" regarding a diagnosis? Anyways, obviously I had convinced myself that we would no doubt fall into this "unexplained" category, which would only further my own neurosis in this whole mess. So when test after test (for both me and my husband) kept coming back as "normal" or even "above average," I was torn between this awkward emotional pull of being relieved and disappointed. On one hand, nobody roots for wanting to find something wrong with themselves, but on the other we were looking for some reason, some "explanation" for why we weren't getting pregnant. There had to be a reason, right? This whole crisis in and of itself was hard enough to accept and at this point my only solace was at least being able to have a medically-based reason as to why - is that too much to ask?