Friday, March 18, 2016

I Need a Break...

After that last "Cruel Trick" it was back to square one again, and onto the next cycle. The plan was the same as before: a medicated cycle on Clomid with an IUI. So a couple weeks in, I was back to the office for blood work and another ultrasound scan to check the size of the follicles and determine when the hCG trigger should be given. Well, here we go with more bad news... Apparently I had a "non-response" to the Clomid and didn't have any follicles of decent size. Only one small one. Well, this sucks... I've never had any issues ovulating, like ever. And here I am taking medication to strengthen and increase something that's not really even broken in the first place, and it has the opposite effect. Awesome. So, the nurse sent me on my way and told me to come back on Monday morning (this was a Friday) to see if at least that one follicle has grown some. At this point, I already knew this cycle was going to be a bust, but still tried to be positive. Low and behold, I ended up ovulating on my own at some point over the weekend (obviously, probably with an immature follicle), so even though we tried to take matters into our own hands and time things up well, no dice. AF (Aunt Flow) showed up right on time that month to scream, "YOU SUCK" - Another failed cycle.

A couple weeks later, the Groundhog Day movie that was quickly becoming our reality started all over again as we tried for round three. Third time's a charm, right? Back to the office. Back to the ultrasound scans. Back to the Clomid (this time it worked!). Back to the hCG trigger shot (in the "tail-feather" this time might I add, as I learned from my first rodeo back in this post). And back to another "Romantic" Baby Dance in a doctor's office. Then, time to embark again into the dark abyss of the 2WW... always a fun time to try and keep your sanity and not completely loose all rational abilities (ha, yea right, like that's really possible).

At the end of that torture, on the morning of March 4th, I scurry my way into the doctor's office (frantically having to leave work for a bit in the midst of hosting a huge conference) for my Beta Blood Pregnancy Test... and later that day when I get the oh so personal voicemail: Drum roll please...

BIG.FAT.NEGATIVE... Awesome...

Third Time's a Charm?... How about Three Strikes You're Out!

And now my friends we're fully caught up to speed in this circus act of infertility that has become my life ... aaaaaaaaaand, I.NEED.A.BREAK.

Done for now and taking this cycle off... Oh my goodness, I can feel the relief of pressure already. I just want to have a sliver of my normal life back, even for just a brief moment. To remember what it feels like to not have to wake up to my 6:04am alarm (yes, I'm weird and cannot set alarms ending in :05 or :00) to shove a thermometer in my mouth. To not have to obsessively stalk my own Fertility Friend app. To not have to become best friends with Clomid, hCG shots, or progesterone inserts. To not have to (unintentionally) be aware of every single freaking twinge, pinch, pain, and weird feeling (seriously, I can't even successful ignore this stuff when I try). To not have to try and make a baby with my husband through a catheter in a doctor's office. To not have to live in a doctor's office every few days. To not have to know exactly what day of my cycle it is and what I potentially should be feeling/ seeing on that day if I were to be pregnant this month. To not have to anxiously stare at my phone and wait for those dreaded calls with "results" from the nurse. To not have to accept the reality of my infertility... just for a brief moment.

But let's be real, even though we're technically "taking this cycle off" and not going the medical intervention route (man there's a part of me that feels guilty about this though), as if I'm really not going to still obsess about some of these things. Truth is, we're still obviously going to "try," so many of these things have just become second nature to me. I couldn't get away from them if I tried. Apparently, this is my "new normal"... and you know what, for the most part (and on most days), I've just accepted it and learned to try and take it in strides, with grace. After all, God has a plan in all of this, right? He's got to. I just need to hang on for the ride, learn and grow however I can, and keep looking forward... At least this month I don't have to drop my pants and bend over for a shot... I win.

No comments:

Post a Comment