Cruel Tricks

To recap, waiting for a possible Christmas miracle (aka: to find out if our IUI had worked) was more than sheer torture. Anyone who is TTC, and especially those who are struggling through infertility, know the agony that exists during the time after ovulation and before either getting a positive pregnancy test or getting your period... this time is also known as the "2 week wait" (2WW). Well, long story short, exactly 2 weeks after our first IUI (which was done on Christmas Eve), I went in that morning for my Beta Blood Pregnancy Test. From there, of course it was another waiting game throughout the day while anticipating the call from the office to find out if the test was positive (or negative for that matter). Of course after starring at my phone all day, the moment I step away, I miss it. Onto to listening to the voicemail it is... "Hello Tiffanie... we are calling in regards to the results of your pregnancy test from earlier this morning. The office closes in about 15min. so if you could please give us a call back right away."... Uhhh, half way through the message I thought, "ok, this is weird, please just get to the point - it's either positive or negative, right? How hard can it be to just give me a straight answer?"... Well, as you think I would have learned by now, apparently life's not always black and white, nor are pregnancy tests - as I had to learn the hard way.

The rest of the message went on to explain that when HCG levels are tested during a pregnancy test, anything over 25 is a confirmed positive and anything below a 5 is a confirmed negative. So for me, of course, of course I had to find my way into the freakin' gray area. My HCG level was at 8.5 and my progesterone was low, so they wanted me to double up on the progesterone suppositories that day and then come back for another blood test in the morning to, "...see if they can figure out what's going on." Really?! Are you kidding me?!? Come on, how hard does this have to be on us? It's like a cruel trick being played. Having a confirmed negative would have been hard enough, but to have this tiny, minuscule glimmer of hope (even though I knew in my heart that it wasn't going to be positive) was simply an inhuman, heart-wrenching joke that wasn't humorous. God, why are you doing this to us??? We're barely surviving this trial as it is, why does it have to be taken to this level? So, for the next 24hrs, my husband and I had to live in yet another, even more devastatingly difficult state of "not knowing."

Long story short, the test came back negative the next morning. They think it was just trace levels of the HGC left in my system from the trigger shot. So again, it all seemed to be just a cruel joke designed to make this whole fiasco of a journey even more difficult... Well, it's not funny... and I'm not laughing...

Making Friends with Your Problems

"Make friends with your problems..." what an interesting concept, but one that's definitely worth pondering. Trust me - it's worth it. As hard as it is at times to face our problems and continue to move forward, weathering to get through the storm can have an unexpectedly positive purpose. Remembering that through all things, God is still in control and continuing to have that strong trust in Him can be difficult, but it's an important reminder. The following comes from a daily devotional (Jesus Calling) that my amazing mother-in-law shared with me from this weekend, and it's a uniquely fitting reminder from God of His plan and purpose in everything...

"MAKE FRIENDS WITH THE PROBLEMS IN YOUR LIFE. Though many things feel random and wrong, remember that I am sovereign over everything. I can fit everything into a pattern for good, but only to the extent that you trust Me. Every problem can teach you something, transforming you little by little into the masterpiece that I created you to be. The very same problem can become a stumbling block over which you fall if you react with distrust and defiance. The choice is up to you, and you will have to choose many times each day whether to trust Me or defy Me.

The best way to befriend your problems is to thank Me for them. This simple act opens your mind to the possibility of benefits flowing from your difficulties. You can even give persistent problems nicknames, helping you to approach them with familiarity rather than with dread. The next step is to introduce them to Me, enabling Me to embrace them in My loving Presence. I will not necessarily remove your problems, but My wisdom is sufficient to bring good out of every one of them."

~ Romans 8:28; 1 Corinthians 1:23-24

Everyday I'm constantly faced with two choices: I can remind myself that even through these trialing times of infertility, God has a plan and purpose in all of it, or I can allow my problems to consume me. I often try to consciously choose the first; however, like anyone, I have my weak moments (and rough days) when the latter becomes true. Regardless, as long as I can continue to hold on to the faith that God's working through this difficulty (in some way, shape, or form), I can continue to rely on the strength He provides me to get through all of this... and keep looking forward.

Suffering in Silence

One of the main reasons that finally drove me to actually start blogging about this journey was to break the stigmatizing silence that often surrounds infertility. For many reasons, it seems to be a topic that isn't often talked about openly, and something that I personally struggled with myself for a very long time. When we first started our journey in "trying to conceive" (TTC), I was adamant in telling my husband that I didn't want to tell anyone that we were actually "trying." Initially, my thought (and hope) was that I wanted it to be this huge, exciting surprise, especially for our family and close friends, when we could finally announce that we were pregnant. In my own weird, illogical head, I wanted people's response when they found out we were pregnant to be, "Oh my gosh, I had no idea you guys were even trying!" Why this seemed so appealing to me at the time, will never make sense to anyone... really, not even me. Then once our exciting journey started to turn into the reality of facing infertility, my insistence on remaining silent grew even greater. I didn't want people to know. I didn't want people's pity. I didn't want to be "that couple" that couldn't get pregnant and that everyone felt bad for. This whole mess was hard enough, the last thing I wanted was to be viewed as the girl who couldn't have a baby. I didn't want people looking at us and thinking, "Man, I feel so bad for them. I can't imagine what they're going through." Why that was such a bad thing to me, again, no rational explanation. Then one day my husband finally said to me, "Who cares if people know and if they feel bad for us? If they genuinely care and sympathize with what we're going through, why is that such a bad thing??" I pondered this thought for awhile and finally came to the conclusion that he was right, there was no real rational reason why it was a bad thing... it wasn't a bad thing.  In fact, if people who love us want to encourage us, show support and love, and offer prayers, that actually wasn't a bad thing at all... it was a GOOD thing. So slowly, but surely I began to break the silence... and this was one of the best decisions I made.

The Results Are In

After 3 or was it 4 months (minor details at this point) of trying to have an HSG done, FINALLY on Oct. 26, 2015 I had it done ... and the result were in, well sort of: some sort of tubal defects, but in the words of my doctor, "I'm sorry, but I just can't really tell you what's going on at this point." Wait what??? "I'm sorry doc., I didn't quite understand you the first time, could you please tell me that again?" Apparently, he saw from the test that there was a problem, but couldn't tell what exactly the problem was? What the heck does that mean?? There was something blocking the left tube, but the right was ok... or wait, no, the right might be partially blocked too... or maybe it was the left that looked like it may have collapsed in on itself, but couldn't quite be seen from the scan... or no, was is the other way around with the right being collapsed? My head was spinning at this point and nothing made sense (imagine what that was like when I went home and tried to explain all this to husband that night)... So, what did this all mean? Well, it meant surgery. SURGERY? Oh my gosh, is this really happening? Surgery is serious. And not just any little surgery with local anesthesia, but under general anesthesia and one that initially is going to be primarily exploratory in nature to find out "what was going on"... and then ultimately correct whatever's found. So again, no real answers. No.Real.Answers. Not even an answer as to what kind of surgery this will be or even how long it will take? At this point, my denial quickly lost all of it's traction... this was real: We are that couple who is the dreaded word "infertile"... and now I'm about to face surgery because of it...

Hysterosal-What??

Fast forward about 3 months into the diagnostic testing process and working through this crazy waiting game to finally be able to have one last diagnostic test, a hysterosalpingogram (say that 5 times fast) or HSG, which by the way was the WORST of all the tests - wouldn't wish it upon anyone. Problem was, random things kept happening that were out of my control and that kept postponing the test. Typically, most if not all of the diagnostic testing is done within the first month or so (at least within my doctor's practice), as every test is time-sensitive and very dependent upon which day of your cycle it is. However, here we were almost 4 months in and had every other test done and complete, except this one. The first month the doctor's office had a glitch and didn't transfer my file over to the correct scheduling nurse, so when I was scheduled for another test and supposed to have the HSG done at the same time, no one realized that (including me) until I was at the appointment and at that point it was too late. The office genuinely apologized, which I understandingly accepted, but it was still frustrating because this meant I had to wait another month to be able to schedule the HSG, since it had to be done at a very specific (yet very limited) time frame within my cycle, and since the doctor typically only performed the test on Mondays, as it needed to be done at the hospital.

So, let me digress a moment: The purpose of an HSG is to look for any abnormalities and/or blockages within a woman's fallopian tubes and uterus. Without getting too graphic, a dye is injected and then viewed to see if it's able to travel freely through both tubes, or to determine if there are any blockages, scarring, or abnormal structures, which ultimately could be preventing the egg from making contact with the sperm. The HSG is typically done sometime between days 6-12 of your cycle (after your cycle starts, but before ovulation).

Now, back to my scheduling conflicts... Since you typically have to wait to actually start your cycle to even schedule the test, the next month when I called to let the office know that I had started and to try and schedule the HSG, I was told that the doctor was unfortunately going to be out of the office that following Monday so I had two choices: 1) wait until next month or 2) start on birth control for a number of days in order to prolong my cycle and prevent ovulation. Umm, WHAT? You seriously want me to go on birth control for a week and screw up my cycle which is apparently already broken? No thanks. So, I guess that meant we were waiting for yet another month. So the next month came and wait for it... same story. The doc. was out of town at a conference and it would be too late in my cycle by the next week to perform the test (again, unless I went on birth control). Come on, this is just ridiculous torture at this point. I mean, I truly love my doctor and he's one of the best in the region, if not the country, so it wasn't that I was dealing with an imprudent office, it was just the uncanny timing of everything that happened to be interfering. Month after month came without being able to schedule this stupid HSG, and with the secret hope that maybe it would be "the month" when we got pregnant on our own and could simply stop all this foolish chaos. I couldn't help but wonder if this was maybe God's way of prolonging something that He knew wouldn't be necessary? Maybe the test would come back normal and it was only a matter of another month before we'd be pregnant, so perhaps it was His way of preventing me from going through unnecessary poking and prodding? That had to be it, right? Hold on to the hope that this would be the month, Tiff...

Looking Back and Trying to Find the Why

Another blow of devastatingly negative news came yesterday afternoon (another failed IUI, but more on that at another time), again causing me to reflect back on the journey of where my husband and I started... and the determination of where to go next. Let me back up for a moment though. Our journey of "trying to conceive" (TTC) started almost 2 years ago.  To this day, I still distinctly remember the rush of excitement when we finally both agreed to start "trying." The rush of emotion that comes from the unknown, from the "wow, we're really doing this," and from the exciting thought of what could soon be still lingers in the back of my mind. However, all of those feelings slowly, but surely started to turn into what I often described as my worst nightmare. At first, as the reality slowly started to set in that we were beginning to approach the 6 month, 7 month, 8 and 9 month mark of still not being pregnant, I still refused to accept the reality that we were potentially becoming "that couple" who couldn't get pregnant. I refused to accept the fact that we may be on the brink of facing the dreaded-word: i-n-f-e-r-t-i-l-i-t-y. I kept my hope and held onto my strong faith that "when the time was right, it would happen." Well, low and behold, almost 2 years later that time still hasn't come. In the moment when we stood face to face with our arrival upon the finite 1-year mark of unsuccessfully TTC, it became official - we were facing what the medical profession diagnoses as "infertility." The one and only positive thing about that (and I use the term "positive" very lightly) is that it opened the door to being able to see a fertility specialist. However, although we had reached this point, I still held on tight to my denial and bucked hard against even making an appointment. Truly, I just didn't want to be "that couple". Reluctantly, I did make an appointment though...

Fast forward two or so months worth of intrusive (and I mean INTRUSIVE), uncomfortable, diagnostic testing to try and determine the cause of our infertility. Throughout the diagnostic process, I couldn't seem to shake the statistics from the back of my mind: approximately 40% of the time the medical cause lies within the woman; 40% of the time within the man; and 20% of the time is unexplained. WHAT?! Unexplained?? Are you serious?? How does anything in our day and age of medical advancements, diagnostic testing, and high-tech. medical exploration even remain "unexplained" regarding a diagnosis? Anyways, obviously I had convinced myself that we would no doubt fall into this "unexplained" category, which would only further my own neurosis in this whole mess. So when test after test (for both me and my husband) kept coming back as "normal" or even "above average," I was torn between this awkward emotional pull of being relieved and disappointed. On one hand, nobody roots for wanting to find something wrong with themselves, but on the other we were looking for some reason, some "explanation" for why we weren't getting pregnant. There had to be a reason, right? This whole crisis in and of itself was hard enough to accept and at this point my only solace was at least being able to have a medically-based reason as to why - is that too much to ask?