Sunday, October 30, 2016

The Roller Coaster - Part 2

Continuing on from my previous post, The Roller Coaster, even though my HCG levels weren't rising as expected, Dr. M still seemed hopeful and simply wanted to wait a few more days and check again... so that's what we did.

At the next follow up blood test, my levels continued to rise slowly, but again not doubling... and this time, they rose even more slowly than the first time.  At this point, I knew something might be wrong, but I still held out hope and continued to pray and just stay positive.

Of course, cue in the unleashing of my frantic obsession with Googling during every free moment I had, in order to continue to find those hope stories where women had slow rising HCG, but continued to go on and have healthy, full pregnancies... and although finding those cases where few and far between, I found them and held out hope.

Typically, when HCG levels are not rising at the appropriate rate (i.e., doubling at least every 2-3 days max), that's often a sign of an impending miscarriage, due to any variety of things. And even though that was the outcome in about 95% of the stories, blogs, and message boards that I found, I.Still.Had.Hope...

At this point, Dr. M had said let's wait a week and come back in for additional follow up blood work and to try and do a preliminary ultra sound to see if we could actually see anything.

So that's what we did.

A week later, I went in for more blood work and an ultra sound. I was literally beside myself with anxiety, fear, anticipation... you name it. I wanted so desperately to have them be able to see some, even a small, remnant of gestational sac. Something to know that it was really there... that there was some "proof" of our baby that had been conceived...

But there was nothing.

The ultra sound tech. assured me that it was still too early and the likelihood of actually seeing "something" was pretty much non-existent, given that my HCG levels were still barely skirting around 1,000 and that I was merely around only 5 weeks. So again, I still had hope.

Dr. M had me wait another week, and then come back for more blood and another ultra sound. So that's what we did. Like deja vu all over again, I went back it and laid on the ultra sound table in silent hope that we would be able to see something...

And just like last time, even though my HCG levels continued to rise slowly, the tech. said, "I'm sorry, but I'm still just not seeing anything..."  My heart sank, but I quickly tried to remind myself that it could still be early and that as long as my levels were continuing to rise, I clearly wasn't having a miscarriage at that point.

Then suddenly, I heard the tech. say, "Oh wait, I do see something - here it is... Unfortunately, it's outside the uterus... I'm sorry"

My heart sank even deeper...

She proceeded to explain to me that it looked like the baby had implanted in my left Fallopian Tube...

My darn tubes... They have been the problem since the beginning... Ahh...

But this wasn't supposed to happen.  We knew that my left tube had the bigger issue... and even though I had surgery to correct the issue and completely open them back up, Dr. M still played it conservatively and "pushed right" as he called it. Meaning, he focused mostly on my right side and waited for the most mature follicles to develop on the right side. And this cycle, I didn't even have any larger sized follicles on the left side, they were all on the right... so how did this happen? How did a little, seemingly small and immature follicle from the left side produce an egg that got fertilization and managed to implant?!?

What a nightmare.

The next day Dr. M wanted to repeat the ultra sound again, with him present, just to be absolutely sure that we were seeing it correctly and that it was in fact in my tube, with no possibility of it being a viable pregnancy... so that's what we did... and I appreciated this additional check for certainty on his part.

Over the course of the next 24 hrs. we cried, we prayed, we shared the situation with our immediate family and had them pray too... all of us just asking, hoping for a miracle. That some how we misread the first ultra sound and it was in fact in my uterus. That some how a miracle would happen and the pregnancy in some way, shape, or form could be saved. Something. Anything. We prayed, all while still wanting to be in alignment with God's will and plan, no matter what it was... Talk about hard.

The next day, we had the ultra sound with Dr. M present... and he confirmed it, it was in my left tube, therefore it was ectopic. There was nothing any of us we could do, as it wasn't viable...

And we were left only with the choice to terminate, and force a miscarriage...

...And as if that wasn't the hardest part to swallow already, unfortunately the nightmare wouldn't and couldn't just end for us there...


  1. Oh no!! This sounds awful and perplexing that it happened on the left side?! Hope you are healing well...

    1. Thank you!!... and yes, wait until I update about the "healing" process - it was never ending, ugh.

  2. I'm so sorry you're going through this. My heart breaks for you. -Unplanned Infertility

    1. Thank you so much, I definitely appreciate your support!! Also, hope you're doing well! I'm still behind in your blog so I'm hoping to catch up soon :)