Friday, November 25, 2016

Tough Decisions

After all of the gut-wrenching difficulty, pain, and sadness from finding out we were pregnant... to then finding out it was ectopic (you can catch up on that story if you missed it, in The Roller Coaster and the Roller Coaster - Part 2), the difficulty continued on.

After Dr. M confirmed that the pregnancy was in fact in my left tube and that it wasn't viable, we were given our two options for terminating: Laparoscopic surgery to manually go in and remove it or injectible medication called Methotrexate that would help end the pregnancy.  After discussing both options with Dr. M, as well as the potential negative effects of both, he explained that, "If you were my daughter, I would honestly recommend the Methotrexate... but of course, it is completely up to you guys and either option would be ok."

Dr. M and the ultra sound tech. then left the room we were in to give the hubs and I a few minutes to gather ourselves and think about it, and told us we could come into the consultation room to meet with the nurse when we were ready, to discuss next steps.

So they left the room... and my husband and I looked at each other, lost... and we both just cried. How could all of this be happening? It just didn't make any sense? It wasn't fair... but then again, we were so far past the point of "fair" in all of this...

We had no choice, but to do the best we could to gather ourselves, and begin to discuss which option to choose so that we could move forward... And at that point, my naturally analytical mind began to race through each option, from all angles.

The Option of Surgery: Of course this was the more invasive of the two, but then again, probably the "quickest" and most efficient in ending the pregnancy. However, the risk (other than it actually being a "surgery" under general anesthesia), as explained by Dr. M was that there was a small possibility that not all of the cells from the pregnancy actually get removed and can sometimes continue to grow, which would mean taking a dosage of the injectible medication anyways.

The Option of Medication: The downside of this option was that the medication used is a very strong medication, often used in chemotherapy, because it's designed to attack living, rapidly-growing cells within the body (such as a developing pregnancy) and kill them. There were also various side-effects associated, such as severe cramping, nausea/ vomiting, headache, sores in the mouth, and even hair loss (which isn't very common when used for this purpose, but still possible). In addition, Dr. M explained that in a very small number of people, the initial dosage doesn't always work and sometimes a second dosage may be needed, which is even more taxing on the body. Even more so, the thought of pumping myself full of intense, poisonous drugs, all while I'm here trying to eat organically and remove almost all toxins from my body and my environment, seemed ridiculously unfair... and not to mention the irony.

However, based on Dr. M's recommendation, and taking into account that the first option was still surgery, and that I did have some difficulties after my first surgery, we decided to go with the Methotrexate.

From there, we discussed everything with the nurse coordinator, signed papers, and scheduled a time for me to come in the next day to actually be administered the medication (since it took about a day for them to get insurance approval and order the correct dosage for me, based on height and weight).

So the next afternoon, in the middle of my work day, I had to make a "pit-stop" at Dr. M's office to have the medication administered.

While I call it a "pit-stop," it was actually nothing shy of the worst appointment of my life. As I pulled into the parking lot a few minutes early, I just sat there in my car, processing the gravity of what I was about to do. What I had been forced to do.

I sat there and cried. I talked to my little bun (whom we had named "Baby E"). I apologized for having to do what I was about to do. I told him or her how much me and daddy loved them. I thanked him or her for the sacrifice they were making: to only live for a short, short while in my belly, but at the same time to bring hope to mommy and daddy that it was possible to get pregnant. I explained how I knew one day we will be able to be with him or her when daddy and I are called back home to heaven. I shared how much love already existed for this tiny little peanut, from so many people, and how he or she will always be in our hearts. I asked little Baby E to always watch over mommy and daddy... and to also take care of his or her's future siblings in heaven until mommy and daddy get the chance to meet them one day.

...And I cried.

...And cried some more...

And then I gathered myself, as much as possible, took a deep breath,,, and walked into Dr. M's office to do the most difficult thing that I've ever had to do...


  1. Ugh, so sorry it had to happen that way. You are so tough for getting through it and I hope you are healing!

    1. Thank you so much and thanks for you thinking I'm "tough" :) Sometimes I think we can surprise ourselves in really how tough we can seem to be, during those times when that's really the only choice we have. And yes, I've definitely been healing over the past couple of months, both physically and emotionally... and just working towards getting ready to keep moving forward.

  2. I'm so sorry you had to make that decision. Lots of hugs! -Unplanned Infertility