Turning a New Leaf

This past month I've (been forced) to take a little vacation from treatments due to a couple of cysts that developed on one of my ovaries, most likely from over-stimming on injections during our last treatment cycle.

Although I didn't ask for, or want, to take this break, in the long run it's probably been good for me. Not having to worry about appointments, shots, and tracking everything has given me both a mental and physical break from everything... and I think I really did need that.

Lately, I've been struggling... significantly. And for awhile, I didn't even realize it. Until things started to bubble over the surface, that is. Numerous emotional breakdowns, random bouts of crying, fits of frustration and anger, spurts of depression and lack of any emotion, you name it... and I probably experienced it over the past month and half.

It even came down to various points of becoming so emotionally detached from the whole thing that I wasn't even sure what I was working or fighting for anymore... it just felt like a surreal daze of going through the motions, because I felt like I had to, and wasn't even sure if or how much I wanted to any longer.

But I've turned a new leaf.

How?... I'm not really sure to be honest; but, I think a catalyst was hitting an emotional out lash of "rock-bottom" in all of this, a couple different times (I'll spare you the details, but let's just say it wasn't pretty). After which I came to the conclusion that I was definitely experiencing a true bout of depression.

It can be expected I guess, given the circumstances, but I was still disappointed in myself for letting things get to this point, mainly in the way I was treating others around me...

You know, I've heard and read multiple times that there are actually various studies that have found the emotional and psychological toll infertility takes on an individual can be similar to that of an individual experiencing cancer. I'm not gonna lie, there's a big part of me that feels extremely uncomfortable even saying that aloud, let alone writing it. But I guess the truth of the matter is - many people truly don't understand the impact infertility can have on a person.

The five stages of grief that are experienced: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance... in any order and nonlinear. I can tell you that I've experienced all five, multiple times. The fear of the unknown. The fear and reality that the end goal is not promised, no matter how hard you try or how many treatments you receive. Grieving the loss of not being able to start a family the "normal" way... conceiving a child in the privacy of your own home, with your partner, on your terms. Accepting that you are "infertile." Accepting that you will have to go through treatments in order to possibly get pregnant. Bargaining with your self, with God, with the universe around so many things. Questioning, analyzing, trying to understand it all as you wonder, "why me?" Looking for anything and everything to "try"... And all wrapped up in denial, anger, depression, and sadness - at any given moment.

Whether or not this actually is comparable to experiencing a diagnosis of cancer, I can't say - but what I can say is that this experience changes you. It changes you at your core... and whether that change is positive or negative depends on you. For me personally, that depends on the day, sometimes on the hour - but the bottom line is, it changes you.

Like I said though, at this point I've turned a new leaf. I've worked to try and navigate my way through all of these difficult emotions that suddenly creeped up on me, and have fought to regain my footing. I've accepted responsibility for my feelings, made my amends with those I've unfairly unloaded on recently, and I'm looking forward at this point, not back.

Currently, we've started a new cycle... and me and the needle have once again become close friends, as of this past Sunday.

I feel good about this cycle and have been submerging myself in positive thoughts, affirmations, prayers, and feelings.

And from here on out it's laser focus ahead to the moment when our little bun(s) come along and join our family... <3