The Roller Coaster - Part 2

Continuing on from my previous post, The Roller Coaster, even though my HCG levels weren't rising as expected, Dr. M still seemed hopeful and simply wanted to wait a few more days and check again... so that's what we did.

At the next follow up blood test, my levels continued to rise slowly, but again not doubling... and this time, they rose even more slowly than the first time.  At this point, I knew something might be wrong, but I still held out hope and continued to pray and just stay positive.

Of course, cue in the unleashing of my frantic obsession with Googling during every free moment I had, in order to continue to find those hope stories where women had slow rising HCG, but continued to go on and have healthy, full pregnancies... and although finding those cases where few and far between, I found them and held out hope.

Typically, when HCG levels are not rising at the appropriate rate (i.e., doubling at least every 2-3 days max), that's often a sign of an impending miscarriage, due to any variety of things. And even though that was the outcome in about 95% of the stories, blogs, and message boards that I found, I.Still.Had.Hope...

At this point, Dr. M had said let's wait a week and come back in for additional follow up blood work and to try and do a preliminary ultra sound to see if we could actually see anything.

So that's what we did.

A week later, I went in for more blood work and an ultra sound. I was literally beside myself with anxiety, fear, anticipation... you name it. I wanted so desperately to have them be able to see some, even a small, remnant of gestational sac. Something to know that it was really there... that there was some "proof" of our baby that had been conceived...

But there was nothing.

The ultra sound tech. assured me that it was still too early and the likelihood of actually seeing "something" was pretty much non-existent, given that my HCG levels were still barely skirting around 1,000 and that I was merely around only 5 weeks. So again, I still had hope.

Dr. M had me wait another week, and then come back for more blood and another ultra sound. So that's what we did. Like deja vu all over again, I went back it and laid on the ultra sound table in silent hope that we would be able to see something...

And just like last time, even though my HCG levels continued to rise slowly, the tech. said, "I'm sorry, but I'm still just not seeing anything..."  My heart sank, but I quickly tried to remind myself that it could still be early and that as long as my levels were continuing to rise, I clearly wasn't having a miscarriage at that point.

Then suddenly, I heard the tech. say, "Oh wait, I do see something - here it is... Unfortunately, it's outside the uterus... I'm sorry"

My heart sank even deeper...

She proceeded to explain to me that it looked like the baby had implanted in my left Fallopian Tube...

My darn tubes... They have been the problem since the beginning... Ahh...

But this wasn't supposed to happen.  We knew that my left tube had the bigger issue... and even though I had surgery to correct the issue and completely open them back up, Dr. M still played it conservatively and "pushed right" as he called it. Meaning, he focused mostly on my right side and waited for the most mature follicles to develop on the right side. And this cycle, I didn't even have any larger sized follicles on the left side, they were all on the right... so how did this happen? How did a little, seemingly small and immature follicle from the left side produce an egg that got fertilization and managed to implant?!?

What a nightmare.

The next day Dr. M wanted to repeat the ultra sound again, with him present, just to be absolutely sure that we were seeing it correctly and that it was in fact in my tube, with no possibility of it being a viable pregnancy... so that's what we did... and I appreciated this additional check for certainty on his part.

Over the course of the next 24 hrs. we cried, we prayed, we shared the situation with our immediate family and had them pray too... all of us just asking, hoping for a miracle. That some how we misread the first ultra sound and it was in fact in my uterus. That some how a miracle would happen and the pregnancy in some way, shape, or form could be saved. Something. Anything. We prayed, all while still wanting to be in alignment with God's will and plan, no matter what it was... Talk about hard.

The next day, we had the ultra sound with Dr. M present... and he confirmed it, it was in my left tube, therefore it was ectopic. There was nothing any of us we could do, as it wasn't viable...

And we were left only with the choice to terminate, and force a miscarriage...



...And as if that wasn't the hardest part to swallow already, unfortunately the nightmare wouldn't and couldn't just end for us there...

The Roller Coaster

For those of you who regularly read my blog, I apologize for the major hiatus I've been on for the past couple of months... Let me tell you, saying "It's been a roller coaster" is a major under-statement...

In thinking about where to start, a million and one things go through my head.  I've consider making this post short, sweet, and to the point.  I've consider making it long to include all the details and ups and downs.  I've considered taking the time to share the whole story across multiple posts... I've considered it all.  And to be honest, as I sit here and write this, even now, I'm not really sure which route to take, but I think it's time to just start and see where my words take me...

I guess let's cut to the chase...

On Aug. 9, 2016, while at work in the midst of helping provide a huge week-long, back to school training for all of the teachers and specialists I help support, I got the call from Dr. M's office with amazing news... I was pregnant!!!

Literally, the news was surreal, and as I started crying, it still felt like the reality was barely setting in.  To try to explain what it's like to receive news that you've been waiting SOOOOO long to hear, is nearly impossible.  There's a mix and rush of emotions.  There's excitement.  There's a little bit of fear.  There's trying to process what to do next, how to tell my hubs, who to tell after that, and so on... There's literally a million things going through your head at once.

But since I was still at work in the middle of hosting this training, I had to pull it together and go back to what I was doing, pretending as if the best moment of my life did not just happen.

As I wrapped up my work day, I had decided that I didn't want to tell my husband this amazing news over the phone, and that I would wait until I got home to tell him in person.  Unfortunately, I had class that evening for my graduate program, so that only made the waiting with this powerful news even longer, and harder... but I was adamant.

I left work and headed over to class, taking the next few hours to try and decide on a cute and meaningful way to share the news with my husband... all while still bursting at the freaking seems just wanting to tell someone!!... I swear, keeping this "secret" to myself for like 5 hrs. was definitely torture!

Finally class was over (early!) so I quickly drove towards home (trying not to speed, but let's be honest) and decided to make a quick pit-stop at the grocery store.  I bought a small container of poppy seeds and a pack of cigars.  Why you ask, since that's a pretty weird combination... Well, it's because my plan was to go home, tell the hubs I had something for him, and hand him a tiny poppy seed... so that's exactly what I did!  When he asked, "What's this?" a huge smile uncontrollably beamed across my face as I said, "That's the size of our baby right now!"

He was stunned... and shocked... and didn't believe me... and asked 20 times, "Are you serious??"

It was the perfect moment.

We reveled in this happiness and amazement that this was FINALLY happening... after over 2 years!  We seriously couldn't believe it, but welcomed every second of our shock :)

Over the next two days we lived in pure bliss.  Both of us randomly catching ourselves during moments when we'd forget that we were finally pregnant, and then suddenly remember and burst into smiles, or laughter, or excitement.  Saying it was amazing, again, is an understatement.

... However, everything came to a screeching halt two days later when we had our follow up Beta Blood Test... and my HCG levels were not doubling as they should.  They were rising, but just not quite at the doubling rate... and that's when the real roller coaster began...